Diaper Duty

Published August 31, 2018 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

This may lose me some friends, future husbands, and possibly a job or two but I’m going to say it anyway because I believe it’s an important revelation.  I pissed in a diaper yesterday – by choice – and I liked it.  Yes, you read right.  It may not be a Katy Perry song but it was music to my ears when it happened.

And here’s how that happened.  I’ve never been a huge fan of drinking water.  I’m kind of a camel and getting sixty plus ounces a day has always proven to be a challenge to me. In fact, every New Years my resolution is – to drink more water.  I am well aware of the benefits of it and I can see the results from drinking more water the second I do it. But when you’re not thirsty – you’re just not thirsty.  Appendectomy surgery however has changed that – as the doctor said to me – “your appendix – even though its no longer in you can – can reabscess and you’ll be back in the hospital if you’re not careful. You need to walk and you need to drink water.” That was all I needed to hear.  Hospitals and I are going to have a very long distance relationship from now on if I can help it.  So I’ve been drinking a lot of water. All day – non stop.  And that means I have to pee. All day – non stop. This is fine if I’m home on the couch recovering or walking around the block close to home.  But I had to pick my dog Tulip up from the vet yesterday by myself and that’s when I decided to make a radical decision.

Since I’m not on any pain killers any more – I’ve been give the green light to drive.  Now I wasn’t feeling great but I knew I needed to just get out there anyway.  But picking up Tulip in Century City at 4 pm on a weekday was going to be a tough pee holding assignment.  I knew I didn’t want to pull over with her in the car and leave her in the heat while I peed. And I really didn’t want to hold my pee in because what if that toxic piss just backs itself up and lands in my body somewhere.  No thank you.  So – I stopped at Ralph’s and made a first time ever purchase – adult diapers.  First of all,  I would just like to say that the Ralph’s in my neighborhood makes me hate America.  It is filled with people who stopped giving a shit years ago.  These people make me really sad.  You don’t need to be here guys.  You can save more money at Trader Joes and buy way healthier shit.  But I digress – it was diaper time.  I remembered that there was some kind that would actually make your piss gel up in the underwear. That sounded fun. Sadly I couldn’t find those.  All they had were regular underpants. You had to decide between light or moderate or maximum.  I went maximum.  Then I went home, pulled on my diaper panties and hit the road.  I was doing really well for awhile and it seemed like I could make it to the vet but then out of nowhere – it started.  That feeling when you have to go. Of course I was now only about ten minutes away from the hospital but I had to do it.  I was really scared of holding it in.  And here’s where it got interesting.  My bladder – simply did not want to compute the concept of peeing in my pants.  Like it took a real moment or two – to let go. And then,  there I was riding down the highway  – pissing into a diaper like you read about.  It was incredibly bizarre and truly satisfying.  My immediate thought was – wow road trips are about to get a lot more interesting.

Unfortunately I had to get gas before I got to the hospital and pulled in to a station and when I got out I decided I’d probably never piss a diaper again. There I stood at the pump with a full load of urine – acting casual – feeling humiliated – and thinking about all the poor old people who can’t use their bladders anymore and have to resort to this disgrace.  Man life is weird.

I did figure out that my incredibly healthy body had been sending me very early signs about my appendix.  Way before the whole stomach pain.  I had a terrible constant pain in my right forearm that made it impossible to lift anything.  It had gone on for two weeks.  I thought it was a workout injury.  I went to my acupuncturist who said “you know that’s your intestines. You should have that looked at.”  I didn’t.  I regret that.  So the moral of the appendectomy adventure today is – listen to your body and if you have to go in a diaper – get the gel kind – cause you can smell a full crotch of urine a mile away and it does not smell like teen spirit.

 

2 comments on “Diaper Duty

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