This may lose me some friends, future husbands, and possibly a job or two but I’m going to say it anyway because I believe it’s an important revelation. I pissed in a diaper yesterday – by choice – and I liked it. Yes, you read right. It may not be a Katy Perry song but it was music to my ears when it happened.
And here’s how that happened. I’ve never been a huge fan of drinking water. I’m kind of a camel and getting sixty plus ounces a day has always proven to be a challenge to me. In fact, every New Years my resolution is – to drink more water. I am well aware of the benefits of it and I can see the results from drinking more water the second I do it. But when you’re not thirsty – you’re just not thirsty. Appendectomy surgery however has changed that – as the doctor said to me – “your appendix – even though its no longer in you can – can reabscess and you’ll be back in the hospital if you’re not careful. You need to walk and you need to drink water.” That was all I needed to hear. Hospitals and I are going to have a very long distance relationship from now on if I can help it. So I’ve been drinking a lot of water. All day – non stop. And that means I have to pee. All day – non stop. This is fine if I’m home on the couch recovering or walking around the block close to home. But I had to pick my dog Tulip up from the vet yesterday by myself and that’s when I decided to make a radical decision.
Since I’m not on any pain killers any more – I’ve been give the green light to drive. Now I wasn’t feeling great but I knew I needed to just get out there anyway. But picking up Tulip in Century City at 4 pm on a weekday was going to be a tough pee holding assignment. I knew I didn’t want to pull over with her in the car and leave her in the heat while I peed. And I really didn’t want to hold my pee in because what if that toxic piss just backs itself up and lands in my body somewhere. No thank you. So – I stopped at Ralph’s and made a first time ever purchase – adult diapers. First of all, I would just like to say that the Ralph’s in my neighborhood makes me hate America. It is filled with people who stopped giving a shit years ago. These people make me really sad. You don’t need to be here guys. You can save more money at Trader Joes and buy way healthier shit. But I digress – it was diaper time. I remembered that there was some kind that would actually make your piss gel up in the underwear. That sounded fun. Sadly I couldn’t find those. All they had were regular underpants. You had to decide between light or moderate or maximum. I went maximum. Then I went home, pulled on my diaper panties and hit the road. I was doing really well for awhile and it seemed like I could make it to the vet but then out of nowhere – it started. That feeling when you have to go. Of course I was now only about ten minutes away from the hospital but I had to do it. I was really scared of holding it in. And here’s where it got interesting. My bladder – simply did not want to compute the concept of peeing in my pants. Like it took a real moment or two – to let go. And then, there I was riding down the highway – pissing into a diaper like you read about. It was incredibly bizarre and truly satisfying. My immediate thought was – wow road trips are about to get a lot more interesting.
Unfortunately I had to get gas before I got to the hospital and pulled in to a station and when I got out I decided I’d probably never piss a diaper again. There I stood at the pump with a full load of urine – acting casual – feeling humiliated – and thinking about all the poor old people who can’t use their bladders anymore and have to resort to this disgrace. Man life is weird.
I did figure out that my incredibly healthy body had been sending me very early signs about my appendix. Way before the whole stomach pain. I had a terrible constant pain in my right forearm that made it impossible to lift anything. It had gone on for two weeks. I thought it was a workout injury. I went to my acupuncturist who said “you know that’s your intestines. You should have that looked at.” I didn’t. I regret that. So the moral of the appendectomy adventure today is – listen to your body and if you have to go in a diaper – get the gel kind – cause you can smell a full crotch of urine a mile away and it does not smell like teen spirit.