Published April 30, 2018 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

The other night while watching a new documentary on Netflix with my friend Becky  – two things happened.  1) I fell asleep.  This is not surprising at all.  In fact – every time I turn on Netflix it tells me things I’ve watched that I most definitely have not.  At first I thought someone was breaking into my house and watching stuff… it could happen… but now I realize it’s me falling asleep in front of the tv and my system just scrolling through shit that later pops up on the “if you liked this you’ll love this” list in front of friends and sometimes strangers who are watching tv with me.  It can be embarrassing.  I don’t know what the scroll algorithm is but I’d like to change it.  And 2) I found out that my friend Becky in in on “the collective conversation.”  Actually, she’s not just part of it – she’s contributing to it – and she was doing it right on my couch.  What The Fuck?

The documentary was about Rachel Dolezal – the weird white woman who pretended to be African American.  She is strange.  Her story is strange.  What she goes through to do her hair is next level.  I wish it looked better for all the effort.  She’s  probably a lovely person when she’s not being completely irrational.  The second I woke up from not watching her documentary – it was put out of my brain.  I do this with a lot of things I watch.  Except Handmaids Tale.  That’ll stay with you forever.  On the other hand – Becky was in a deep dive on twitter or Facebook or somewhere other people were talking about Rachel – and she was talking back – with her fingers – to strangers.  Again – what the actual fuck.   And now that I think about it – Becky isn’t my only friend to do this.  I usually think people are being rude and staring at their phones while watching shit but it turns out they’re looking up what other people are saying or have said about what they’re watching.   I do not understand this behavior at all.  It contains two things I do not have time for 1) other peoples opinions 2) admitting that i’m watching the same shit show everyone else is watching.

Now don’t get me wrong – I am thirsty for information at all times – but usually on important television events I’m viewing – like – who is Scott Pruitt and why does he have two fancy desks?  Isn’t one upper left locked drawer enough to hide your secrets?  But I find that most people are getting together digitally and chatting about reality shows.  There are websites and blogs and after shows and all kinds of things you can dig up.  Especially on the Housewives.  They all have their own blogs which by the way are hugely popular and I would kill for half the audience.  But I don’t want to know anything about any of them after they leave the idiot box. (that’s what my dad called tv growing up)  I want to think that when I turn off my tv they cease to exist.  Like scripted shows – it’s not real – everyone calm down.  Reality TV is meant to be consumed on your television, usually alone so no one knows you’re consuming it.   For instance – you wont’ see me researching where Kyles new house is and how she got robbed.  Or what Dorinda’s hair actually looks like without all her extensions and weaves.  You will never catch me looking up if Britney and Jax are still together.  Actually, that ones a lie because I looked it up this morning and I  can’t find an answer.  If anyone knows please DM me.  It seems people are obsessed with this stuff and they’re all chatting and blogging and texting and tweeting and instagramming about it.  Everyone is talking to each other and yelling at each other and getting mad and glad and happy and sad… over television.  Yikes. Knowing me, I’ll finally tap into this vortex and I’ll end up at Starbucks every tuesday talking to a fat guy named Milton who just loves Southern Charm. Especially Patricia.  Hmmmm I wonder where she gets her money.

But once again it turns out – I may be the weird one.  Maybe reality television, or television in general, is bringing people together.  People are talking to each other and sharing opinions and maybe just maybe working some shit out.  Maybe I should care a little bit more what other people think.  Maybe I should join a conversation – any conversation other than the ones I have with my dogs – who are totally listening but pretending they don’t care.  You know what –  I may just start tweeting in the middle of Vanderpump Rules tonight.  Crazier things have happened.

2 comments on “Reali-tea

  • No you’re not weird. I love those shows too, but don’t care enough to look that shit up. Other than if Tom Tom is ever going to open🤔

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