I talk to myself so much lately that it’s really made me question my sanity. Yes, I live alone but that’s not really an excuse for the massive amount of back and forth going on in my brain at all times of the day. Its usually pretty mundane. But maybe just maybe – I’m not actually talking to me. Maybe I’m talking to God. I mean – I do get answers. I know what you’re thinking – sure, of course, makes perfect sense. If God were to pick a conduit it would most certainly be you Heidi. I mean – what spiritual being wouldn’t want to say “fuck off” a thousand times a day? What higher power doesn’t know that saying “eat shit and die” to someone who cuts her off in traffic will fix them and make them whole? Well I’m not talking to God but I have a very dear friend who I truly believe is. Feel free to hit the pass button and move on but I’m about to get spiritual and yes – smart potty mouthed people who say they hate everyone – can be spiritual. There’s no box big enough to put all the things I am in – so move on.
This past couple of years have been interesting for sure. And by interesting I mean – ass tearing-ly painful. I lost two dogs, had to sell my house, and my job ended. Party! What a success story!! Lets throw it all at the wall at once and see what happens! You know what happened? I got a great new house and I am living debt free – though if my addictions to all things don’t stop i’m gonna shop myself right out of debt. I will say that I almost always only buy used clothing now and haven’t bought a designer bag or shoe in over a year. What a fucking waste of time that shit is. I also ALWAYS realized that my problems were NOTHING compared to what other people are going through and I am shown signs of this every time I start to feel sorry for myself.
At the end of 2017 I started to dig in a bit spiritually and as I wrote about – discovered Ayahuasca. It is still the best thing that I ever did but it feels like it has opened some massive wounds I didn’t even know were there and now I need to figure out how to close them or at least heal them. Most of my stuff deals with men – duh – and it’s pretty deep and I need some serious body work to get to a better place on that one. I’m ready to do the work though – at 57. Great timing heidi.
One of the things I am doing to get on the right path is read a book written by a dear friend – and – wait for it – IT’S A SELF HELP BOOK. Now – I can count on one hand the amount of books I’ve read that come under this category – actually I don’t even need a hand because it’s zero. I think I read The Secret once. Thats a great fucking book. I try to practice what’s in that, but man it’s hard not to point out all the assholes and their assholiness. I am constantly seeking answers and always trying to figure out why things are the way they are.
Why am I not losing weight? Why won’t my hair grow? Why didn’t I get that job? Why did someone else get that job? Why have I never found a real partner? Why am I so afraid of intimacy? Why Why Why Why Why Why Why? I started to think a lot about manifestation and how to do it correctly. Then – the other day I decided to take Laura’s book with me to my workout class. Why? No idea. I’ve had it for weeks. I’m talented but I can’t lift weights and read at the same time. After class my friend Daniella took a picture of me and when she posted it I realized I was carrying Laura’s book. I sent her the image. Then I realized – what an asshole I am – I haven’t even read it and quite frankly – I had no intention of reading it. It’s a self help book duh. (it’s not really) I sat in my car and read a few pages and then I sent the photo to Laura and said “can you recommend a good book on manifestation. What an asshole – that’s what her book is about!!! We started texting back and forth and she lovingly sent me a few names and books and I told her that I knew I needed to LET GO – which has been a running theme for me the past year and a half. Here’s what she said.
YOU NEED TO STOP DOING AND START BEING. ALL MANIFESTATIONS HAPPEN IN THE LET GO. WHAT YOU FEEL YOU ARE LACKING IS WHAT YOU ARE KEEPING AWAY. SO FOCUS ON WHAT YOU LOVE ABOUT YOR LIFE AND ENJOY THAT – AND THAT’S WHEN AMAZING THINGS WILL BEGIN TO SHOW UP.
I burst into tears and basically haven’t stopped crying (happily) since.
The answers to all of my questions are the same – ME. I am the reason behind all of it – my ego that is. We spend so much time wanting and needing and doing and not enough BEING. Just be. We also don’t pay attention to any of the signs that are out there for us. Every day I get in my car and a song comes on from my own library that is odd and sometimes I don’t even know what it is or when I downloaded it. I never listen to the song – I switch to the news. And god knows nothing good or happy is happening there. I tell myself it’s to be informed but I’m listening to CNN and theres no information there – just vitriol. And I’m not gonna lie – sometimes i like vitriol. Sometimes I love watching someone I hate not get something. This is useless. There’s enough for everyone. And so now I begin focusing on me and my thoughts and just having one thought – to be happy. Someone posted something the other day about how there are so many hundreds of languages but we all share one – LOVE. Yesterday I was really thinking about love and partnership and when I got in the car I paid attention to the song on the radio – it was Marvin Gaye’s “That’s The Way Love Is.”
I KNOW YOU’RE WALKIN’ DOWN A LONESOME ROAD – AND YOUR HEART IS CARRYING A HEAVY LOAD. I KNOW YOU FEEL LIKE YOU A’INT GOT A FRIEND. OH AND YOUR WHOLE WORLD IS CAVIN’ IN. OH, BUT NOW’S THE TIME TO BE STRONG. YOU GOTTA FORGET HIM NOW THAT HE’S GONE.
And cue the tears. The him being all the hims… but that’s another story. Actually its a great tv script I’m going to sell!
I also need to forgive myself for the anger and guilt I feel about what I wrote in my own book about someone. It was truly hateful – as that is how I felt. I didn’t need to make it public but I can’t take that back now. I wanted to hurt her. Now I just want to let it go. Its of no use to me. I have always believed that we choose the bodies we are born into and that we are physically here to learn lessons so that we don’t have to repeat them in the next lifetime. I’m not sure what lesson I was supposed to learn from that experience but I’d be thrilled not to repeat it.
And if you’re reading this thinking – this isn’t funny or sarcastic or what I expect from you Heidi – don’t worry – my asshole opinions will never die – they just tend to be more about me lately. And if you want to start working on a better you and surround yourself with all that you desire – read Laura’s book. I’ve know her a very long time and I know – it is TRUTH.
THE ALL OF EVERYTHING – A spiritual guide to inner world domination by Laura Saltman.