I don’t know who started this campaign and or why but I’m ready to join! Put me in coach – my new nipples are ready to play! Well almost. Thats right – new nipples who dis? While other women are out there shoving plastic body parts into their torsos to make it look like Barbie moved in up under her tank top – i was taking a knife to the nip and making them the perfect fit to my smaller G cup to B cup boobies. I’ll never understand getting your breasts enlarged. Lifted maybe – but enlarged? Why add a shelf to a perfectly lovely wall? You can’t hang anything on a shelf. Duh. Unfortunately my left boob settled in kind of a wacky way and while ‘One Wonky Boob’ would have been a good name for a second book – I had been waiting years to fix mine. My plastic surgeon however had been waiting years to trim my nips. She said they were way too big now and I had to agree – they were starting to point down and quite frankly the nether region is another body part that could use less pointing to and so I agreed to slice and dice.
My surgery was scheduled for thursday. I decided to quit smoking pot for a couple of weeks before the surgery as I don’t think anyone understands how it mixes with anesthesia and if I recalled correctly – the last time I had surgery I wound up puking into a target bag in a strip mall in front of a really handsome man. I wasn’t taking any chances this time. The night before the surgery the anesthesiologist called to go over my medical history. When I proudly proclaimed I was weed free he said “well that was dumb.” Perfect. Thanks. But still I abstained. I took an uber to the surgery because you have to be picked up and wheeled out when you’re done. It was an outpatient surgery. You can heal at home or in one of those swanky LA recovery places. I’ve been in one of those. It’s like heavens waiting room for the people who spent a little extra money getting pretty for God. I would heal at home with my friend Chelsea providing nursing duties. She can’t boil water but she loves looking at weird scars and popping other peoples zits so i thought she was the perfect choice. She also volunteered. Because she’s an angel sent from heaven.
Right before I went into the operating room – I changed into my robe and shower cap and booties and immediately took a selfie. Then I deleted it because I didn’t want that to be the last picture of me on my phone when I woke up dead because I decided to undergo the all important nipple trim wonky boob fix surgery. My doctor came in and drew on my boobs and nipples and said something about taking fat from one and stitching the other and blah blah blah “I”m going to give you ballerina boobs” and that was all I needed to hear. She could have said – in order to do his I need to pull your anus up through your throat and so you’ll be shitting out of your mouth for the rest of your life but I didn’t care. I was going to have ballerina boobs. Then the hot anesthesiologist came in. Ladies – find a hot man who can legally knock you out and make him your own. This is a life goal. He asked me if I wanted to “walk into the OR like a champ.” I didn’t know what this meant – but we walked in and I immediately freaked out. Instruments and lights and knives and this is not how patients on Grey’s Anatomy do shit – please knock me out. The next thing I remember was Chelsea standing next to my bed and her beautiful smiling face – videotaping me – with my permission – because thats what good friends to do each other. I tried to argue the wheelchair exit away but they weren’t hearing it and in fact I was so drugged when I left that I could have been strapped to an alpaca for all I knew. Was I chelsea?
Once home – Chelsea made dinner. I have the video to prove it – and I proceeded to ignore all the home care instructions despite nurse not so ratchet reminding me. Don’t eat salt. Eat super mild. Relax. I got super high and ate everything in sight and had an amazing night on the couch. I paid the price the next day with 24 hours of vomiting and a distended stomach that could rival a poor starving child. For three days I’ve been stopped up more than a pinata at a blind kids birthday party but I”m officially now on the mend after taking all the gas x and unfortunately finding out the hard way you don’t need TWO little dulcolax pills. My boob area looks like I was rammed by a car head on – and god knows whats happened to my poor nipples but I sure hope we got it right this time because I don’t think I”ll be doing more elective surgery anytime soon. Well maybe my neck. It looks so much older than my nipples now.