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All posts for the month January, 2018

I’m Dying Up Here

Published January 29, 2018 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I have always been the kind of person who would never tell someone NOT to pursue their dreams – until last night.  Now I feel like if I don’t tell the people I watched attempt to perform comedy last night to please find something else to do in life – I will be doing a great disservice to not just them but to anyone else who is forced to sit through what they called “their acts.”  Now I’m not saying this because they weren’t funny – and god knows they weren’t – I’m saying this because they were lazy and unfocused and  obviously didn’t give a shit about what they were doing and my time.  And let me tell you right now – my time is precious.  Real Housewives of Atlanta was on last night and I chose to see you rather than tune in to that.  That my friends is what we call SACRIFICE.

Now, Stand Up comedy is not for the faint of heart.  Making a stranger laugh is one of the most difficult things to do.  I may write funny things for a living but thankfully – other people have to put themselves on the line to make my words SOUND funny. I could never do it.  I could never stand up in front of a crowd of people waiting for me to fail and tell jokes about my life – or lack thereof.  I’d rather be one of the plants Harvey Weinstein jacked off into – in fact – I bet thats exactly what performing Stand Up feels like.  So yeah, no, not doing that, thanks, gonna hide right over here and point fingers at the unfunny thank you very much.

So – last night I went to see a very small comedy show featuring some up and comers trying to make it in this very difficult world.  I knew it was going to be a raw show I just didn’t know raw meant it would feel like someone was pulling my own skin up over my head while pulling my fingernails off and salt poured into the open crevices.  There were a few laughs here and there but quite frankly the cavalier attitude of the people attempting to perform what they thought was comedy was the most insulting of all.

The emcee of the night was funny enough. He had some good stories to tell – no jokes but goodish stories – the ones he remembered at least.  He seemed kinda high – but that may have been his act.  In fact maybe everyone was fucking with me and that was all of their acts – not remembering their jokes and looking at bits of paper or their phones while doing stand up – yes one “standup” checked her phone every three seconds to see what her next joke was.  She’d tell a joke and then – take out phone pause pause pause, scroll scroll scroll and then oh here it is my next joke. It didn’t help.  Its four minutes people – not an hour – pull it the fuck together.  Everyone who took the stage last night was highly unprepared to do comedy. Hey, there were highly unprepared to do anything.  And quite frankly – it was rude.  Now I’m not going to judge someones brand of comedy because it takes all kind of things to make all kinds of people laugh but if you’re going to get up on a stage and ask me to come see you, then you better have the decency to give a fuck about the words coming out of your mouth.   At least remember your jokes.  Is that too much to ask?  Have a fucking routine and practice it until its perfect.  I don’t go to work every day and say – hey – I’m just gonna write 8 pages of this script today.  And I probably didn’t use the right format.  In fact, I’m not sure if the characters are even the ones I was supposed to use. If comedy is your career of choice than have a tight fucking four minutes and practice it until it sings… not stumbles out of your mouth. It doesn’t matter if people laugh then, at least you know – you did the best you can do. Care about what you’re doing.

My favorite part of the night were the two improv  troupes.  The first was a group of three people who asked for a suggestion for a word from the audience. The word given was OCTOPUS. Then one of the girls just started talking about nothing. About two sentences in she was tapped out by one of the guys who also uttered about two sentences before he was cut off by the third guy who uttered two sentences.  Now I studied improv for two years and while i wont be going on stage anytime soon – i have no idea what they were doing.  They then did a few routines that were so painful and so pointless and had nothing at all whatsoever to do with comedy or Octopus that i just sat there with my head in my hands wondering – what the fuck is happening.  Wheres the octopus?  Why ask for a suggestion from the audience?  The second improv troupe was actually worse because they just sat on stage after being given the word “LIBRARY” and talked as three high school kids in a library…. the entire time.  No jokes.  Just sitting around talking about books or something. Now,  there are actual rules to improv.  These rules have clearly never been taught to these people.  My hair hurt it was so painful to watch. My eyeballs wanted to bleed.  I was embarrassed for all of them and their lack of skills and caring.  Kudos to the girl who told a holocaust joke that was funny.  I laughed once.  Then she yelled pussy over and over again and I kinda lost interest. She at least knew her act.

I want to support you and your new venture. I want to be the warm hug that helps comfort you into this dark terrible business – but quite frankly you’ve got to give a shit first.

“An Octopus walked into a library… ”

 

Yeah, I saw that.

Published January 15, 2018 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Two friends meet for dinner.

“Ohmigod I went to the most amazing…

“…restaurant. Yeah, I saw that.”

“Oh right.  But after dinner we went to…”

“…that new play downtown. Yeah, I saw that.”

“I don’t know if I told you but…”

“…your mom is in the hospital.  Yeah, I saw that.”

“Okay. Well, see you next week.”

This is the new dinner, or coffee, or workout meeting, or sidewalk meeting or any gathering thanks to social media and our pubic billboarding of our lives.  No one needs to be told anything in person because everyone already knows everything.  It turns out social media is the most unsocial creation ever.  And its really putting a crimp in my social life and by crimp i mean no one has anything to talk about face to face anymore.

I am in constant turmoil about social media.  On the one hand – I am my photographer fathers daughter and love to take pictures.  On the other hand I don’t really know how many pictures of my dog in hats people need to see.  Is a shot of me flinging a kettle bell around a gym that fascinating?  Me thinks not.  Did everyone need to know that my new shoes arrived? Gonna have to go with a no on that one.  But. It seems we have this desire to have our photos and thoughts and lives broadcast to the world but when the world comes knocking live we don’t really want to answer the door or for that matter even know how to anymore.  We’re creating the most anti social group of humans under the guise of social media.  Sure you know what I’m doing for the five seconds you stare at my photo but what about the rest of the time?  Everyone talks about the spectacular FOMO (mom  – that means Fear Of Missing Out) that comes with looking at other peoples photos but what about the lack of connection with your actual friends that is happening thanks to this one second snapshot we’ve released to the masses.  Sure you posted a shot of yourself having an amazing vegan meal but there were 23 other hours unaccounted for and because everyone is only posting happy pics of themselves we assume everyone is okay.  I could have had my head shoved in a bucket of hot oil after that beet ahi and no one would know because i certainly didn’t post that.  (It’s hard to get a good shot while your heads in hot oil)

So, call your friends and tell them a really fucking boring story that you didn’t put on social media.  Or catch them up on your life – your real life – not the picture perfect one. Or ask them to tell you something that happened that you may not know about.  They might care.  I know I do. Sort of.  If we’re super close. If not please don’t tell me because I’m busy posting a photo of my smoothie.  It has dates in it!!