AGING GRACEFULLY: nope

Published August 30, 2017 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I don’t know where this asinine term came from but I’m here to tell you that those two little words are not possible. I don’t care who she is who’s telling you she’s aging gracefully, look her dead in the eye – because she’s a liar.   There is nothing to be graceful about when it comes to aging.  You just gotta strap in and see if you can enjoy the ride on a roller coaster that will only be going down from here on out.  Even my tiny re-lifted boobs aren’t living in the penthouse anymore.

Just yesterday I had a lovely conversation with my friend Victoria about cellulite and it turns out – mine has actually for the most part – gone away.  Party!! Who knew – working out works.  But the cottage cheese has been replaced with something worse.  Old crepe-y loose shitty shit shit fuck you man why – skin.  To my ridiculously body dysmorphic naked eye – it looks hideous.  Like, I don’t even want to go outside hideous. And so, I did the unthinkable.  I ordered Jane Seymour’s Crepe Erase.  I was pretty excited to try it.  I got to order it from the privacy of my home and no one needs to know anything about it. Unfortunately when it came in the mail, it wasn’t my old lady balm – it was Cindy Crawford’s Meaningful Beauty products.  A lot of them.  You know what I don’t want? I don’t want meaningful beauty.  I just want regular beauty.  But thanks Cindy.  (Her products are great btw.)  So now I had to up the embarrassment  level and actually call someone.  A man it turned out – and beg him for my Crepe Erase.  That was a great day.  It’s hard to be graceful when you’re shouting the words Crepe Erase to a stranger in India.  It’s like having the cashier price check you on hemmorhoid cream at the CVS store over the microphone.  Not cool Brenda. Not cool. 

There are also fashion choices affected by my age and that really ticks me off and stops me from being graceful.  There comes a time when you have to say goodbye to certain pieces that you are simply too old to wear.  Again, I don’t care what someone is telling you about her tutu – and I have 11 – you just can’t wear them everywhere anymore.  All of my friends have promised to alert me immediately and send me home if I’m having a Baddie Winkle moment.  If you don’t know who that is – Instagram and Understand. 

I mean – i’m trying to be all Diane Von Furstenberg because that woman is doing it right. She is aging gracefully.   I’m quite certain SHE does not have a cabinet of Crepe Erase.  She is aging on point.  I mean there are scads of women that I think are spectacular looking I’m just saying – I bet they go home at the end of the day and look at everything and sigh too.  The mirror is becoming my mortal enemy.  And don’t send me any cute message because i won’t hear you.  I have been brainwashed to beleive this sense of beauty in my brain and I’m too old to lose it now.

Don’t get me wrong – in the grand sense of the cliche – I DO love the skin I’m in.  I just wish someone made a better moisturizer.   I have to go to a pool party tomorrow and I my burkini hasn’t arrived yet. Sigh.

One comment on “AGING GRACEFULLY: nope

  • For guys, at least those of us with an ounce of realistic self esteem, an argument in favor of dating age-appropriate women is that we both sag and wrinkle and spot and vein and, and, and … and we can laugh about it together.

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