Blonde girl in light up Butterfly Boobs:
“Ohmigod can I take a picture of your skirt? I want to do something just like that for my clothing line. It’s amazing.”
Me: “Sure Paris Hilton.”
I could stop there because as a former tabloid baby and celebrity news junkie – having a conversation with Paris Hilton has now been entered into the Heidi Hall of Fame Moments Library. It’s a huge library despite a fair amount of dust and memory loss, thank you alcohol, and quite a lot of the files have deteriorated over the years from liquor spillage or edible mushroom mold or a little weed smoke damage and that one time I think I dropped acid but can’t really remember and maybe a couple other drugs that have slipped through the brain cracks, but this moment lives in pure clarity – ish – along with so many others recently formed at EDC. Paris Hilton was lovely and she was wearing a tutu and a rainbow shaped back pack purse and in my book – that makes you cool. For those of you not in the know – The Electric Daisy Carnival is the most beautiful rave you can ever hope to go to held in the middle of the Las Vegas Speedway and attended by almost half a million people or from what I could tell – one million perfectly pert boobies. But lets start at the beginning.
My friend Victoria is besties with one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met. She’s a world famous former playmate turned television star turned new york times best selling author, wife, mom and she’s a total badass… like legit… like unsuspectingly cooler than all y’all motherfuckers. She’s also a Disney princess. A real princess. I know this because I’m quite certain I saw birds help her get dressed the night of the show. I was a little stoned. But I’m sticking with this. Anywhooo – she’s married to the king of the Electronic Dance Music Festival Scene – and EDC is the biggest there is. I don’t want to be a big name dropper so I’ll just tell you that her name rhymes with Molly Hadison and he only needs one name – Pasquale – and it’s a name you hear on repeat as you walk through the masses at this amazing show. But I didn’t really know any of this when I said yes to a day trip to Vegas.
Victoria: Want to go to EDC with me for a day?
Me: Yes. (BEAT) What’s EDC?
Victoria: It’s the EDM festival in Vegas.
Me: Great. What’s EDM?
Victoria is also way cooler than me. But all I needed to hear was there’s music, it’s outside and there are more neon lights than any neon light junkie can handle and I am a super freak neonaholic. So I said – YES! Now the panic set in – what does a 56 year old carrening into 57 fashion freak wear to a neon rave and try to fit in without standing out but look cool enough to make people think – who’s she? The answer? – I brought four outfits. Also – no one in this crowd cares who anyone over 40 is. I first decided to try and strip this weird green color that has been in my hair for weeks but sadly ending up making it even greener so I had to dye my red hair – chocolate brown. DULL. BORING. LOSER. BLEND IN. SIGH. That was the first sign I should just shut up and let shit happen. Then I looked up some pictures of what other people wear to EDC and realized – oh wait – it doesn’t matter what I wear because all the girls there are naked. BONUS! So I picked a black tank dress with a pink neoprene skirt over it emblazoned with the word heavenly. Yeah I know – I’m a little past heavenly but – it worked. Victoria and I drove to Vegas – pulled in to the Palm Hotel and checked in to our perfect room chilled to any icy sixty something. I attempted to put false eyelashes on Victoria but I’m still not sure I got it right and I may have permanently blinded her with glue but hey – she had some shit to bat away the 115 degree heat. I wore a baseball cap with the words Central Casting to keep my jew hair in control. Jew Hair in Vegas is like a recipe for an afro. I didn’t want a frizz bomb on top of my wrinkles. No one needs to see that. We all left from one house together and drove to the Chopper pad. I’m sorry – Chopper pad? Yes, that’s what I said. Chopper pad. It was time to smoke some pot. Flying high was going to be way better if I was flying high. We entered the helicopter lounge and there was a full on rave already going on inside and we hadn’t even hit the concert yet. It was 11pm – aka – already past my bed time. People were throwing back shots and recharging their battery packs to make sure their nipple pasties didn’t lose any wattage during the show. There was a dj and airline stews wearing sexy butt bearing outfits. I was immediately sad that this didn’t exist when I was growing up and had way better tits to support some light up pasties. I would have rocked some neon tutu’s and ass bearing angel wings back then. If I wore them now they’d just be shining a light on my knees and nobody wants to watch a swiss cheese ass even if it has angel wings above it. But I digress. We boarded the helicopter and swooped up and over one of the most magnificent sights i’d ever seen. The festival from above was exactly what the inside of my brain looks like and I had never seen it until then. Neon – everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It was truly beautiful and massive. Our choppers touched down and we were immediately moved into golf carts which spun us off to our first stage – or backstage as it were – where I almost instantly walked smack into DRAKE. And I even knew who he was so that was a major bonus. Drake is very tall. And handsome. We dated for the entire ten seconds I was standing next to him. Moments later we were whisked through GEN POP (the crowd) and out onto a special platform where we got to watch Drake surprise the audience on stage with Young Metro. Okay so had I not seen what outfit Drake was wearing before I watched the show – I would not have known it was him because it legitimately took me twenty minutes just to find where the music was coming from on the stage. I’m old – so I assume the act is actually on the stage. But with Dance music – they’re above it – in a tower – and I could not pinpoint the source for a solid amount of time and I knew I couldn’t ask anyone I was with because the lame alarms would have gone off and someone would have kicked my old ass straight the fuck out of there. So technically I saw Drake but honestly I just saw the end when I finally realized the shirt on the guy onstage was the shirt I had just almost backed into earlier and dated for ten seconds. I was also with a very cool young man name Tal – who legit runs Las Vegas – and he would have definitely revoked my cool card if he knew I didn’t know what the fuck was happening – or to be honest – who the fuck Young Metro is – but I do now mother fuckers – I do now. And he’s genius.
I love music festivals. I’ve been to quite a few recently – but this one is different. Every single solitary person I encountered – was nice – and kind – and sweet – and really into the music and being together and dancing. I’m sure that unity and kindness came in a pill form called Molly hence the amount of free love I was watching – but it didn’t feel like a big drugged out bunch of losers at all. It felt magical. I was whisked through so many crowds via bodyguards and onto so many stages with dj’s who’s skills truly blew me away. I mean – I was literally on stage with Kaskade. (the cool kids are feeling me right now) It was the most exclusive pass to the most magnificent show I’d ever seen. I was in the White House with the President – and the cool black President not the weird orange cheetoh President – the only difference is – this President actually OWNS the house – and it’s not white – it’s pink and orange and blue and purple and filled with giant moving owls. We would walk through the crowds and they would part to take a picture with Pasquale – a true electronic god among men. How many concerts have you been to where the promoter and creator is actually bigger than the musical acts? It was an incredible thing to behold. People were so grateful for what he has created and you could feel it in the way they called his name and took pictures with him and thanked him for all he’s done. And you could see it in his eyes – his pride – for this lit up legacy he has created out of nothing. It was inspiring. I looked around and said – I could never produce something this big. Victoria took a beat and said – yeah you could. And she was right. It was in this crazy moment of booming sound and pulsing lights that I realized – I need to dream bigger. I need to say yes to more than just a night in Vegas – I need to say yes to all of it. And when we set our mindS to what we want we can make things happen. Just then the sun started to come up and we decided to end our magical night at EDC. IT WAS 5AM. I turned to say thank you to Victoria just in time to see near naked twin sisters making out with each other. Okay – so maybe not everything was magical. In the end the EDC not only turned on all the light bulbs in Vegas – it turned on the big lightbulb in my brain. I hope I don’t get the electricity bill. At least – I’ll always have Paris and her amazing grizzled grey haired ponytail wearing bodyguard – who wore that rainbow backpack for her when it got to heavy.