Hi my name is Heidi and I’m a Comedy Writer. (say it together: Hi Heidi) It’s been 90 days since I wrote my last TV joke. If I don’t get a job soon I fear I’ll go off the comedy wagon and do something drastic – like go back to news – or worse – start posting my own videos on my own YouTube channel. I will tell you now – they will heavily involve my dog Tulip sleeping, eating, shitting or farting and they will not garner any big ratings. This has been my first official staffing season as a scripted writer – and for those of you who don’t know what that is – it’s basically 9000 writers looking to nab about 150 jobs and when you’re basically a new writer that no one’s ever heard of – good luck. I’d get more shots if I were a hooker – a 56 year old jewish hooker with a penchant for not having sex. That’s saying a lot. I feel like I’m trapped in a really bad game show and by the time they get to me – the prize package is going to be a trip to Monrovia to try out the latest fast food chain called Margherita Mary’s Rib Town and I don’t drink or eat meat. I may soon though. I may work there soon actually. From what I can tell – here’s how staffing season works. The networks make a gabillion pilots. Then they pick ten. Then all the writers swarm the writer shark infested waters looking to get hired on one of these shows but these shows are made by writers who have tons of writer friends and all of those friends have been hired before the show was even officially picked up. See where I’m going here? It makes sense. That’s what I would do. I mean – that’s how I got my first job. But now it’s like the worst school yard pick I’ve never been involved in. I’m the fat kid with the wedgie and the glasses and the snot dripping from her nose. I’m not popular!!! I don’t even care what I write. You want comedy I’ll give you jokes. You want drama – I’ll make you ball your eyes out. The great thing about the show I was on, was it was both comedy and drama so I feel like I have some skills. I’m tap dancing as fast as I can but nobody likes my tap shoes. I’ve never walked in to more rooms and told more people how amazing I am and I love talking about how amazing I am, but even I’m sick of hearing about me. Every executive you meet is different – every show you talk about is different – and you have to be well versed in all of it. I’ve never watched so much TV as homework and I actually used to like TV. I PICKED UP A BOOK LAST NIGHT because I’m so sick of watching writing and acting and camera blocking and jokes and words and tears and laughter and Jesus Christ somebody give me a fucking job – I swear I’ll be your best employee ever!!!! Breathe. I’ve basically been on a three month long talent show audition and I’m hoping I get my costume and audition piece right within the next few weeks. This is the toughest business I’ve ever been in and I’ve never loved anything more. There is nothing better than knowing someone is sitting at home watching your work on their television, or computer, or phone, or robot dog with screen and laughing or crying or just writing you a note about it. It’s the most special thing I’ve ever done in my life and I can’t wait for my next adventure. Now somebody give me a 90 day cake and let me blow out my comedy candle. I’m trying to do it the AA way – not get depressed and take things – One Day At A Time. Hey, that’s a Netflix show. I wonder if they’re hiring?