The Curious Incident of The Dog Fuckers at Midnight

Published April 17, 2017 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

So… I finished my Transcendental Meditation class. I am cured. I am healed. I am a new person who has transcended above all of my problems. I am a better person than you.

Okay the last one might be true but while I am still the same dick head I was on Wednesday – I cannot recommend TM highly enough. Sure I still yelled at the woman in the Whole Foods 365 parking lot for being a moron who can’t drive and a selfish fuck for stealing my parking space – but I just yelled at her once.  See – improvement. So, if you are like me – with a brain that functions so fast and so furiously that talking to yourself in your head is considered a “conversation” then you will benefit from this type of meditation. All meditations are different – this one seems to be THE REAL DEAL. That said – I’m not supposed to talk about the experience too much – but one day I will write about the people in my class. It will be the funniest blog I have ever written. My classmates will see themselves in my words and they will be better people for it. Yes, I will make them better people.

They say that one of the side effects of practicing TM – is an active brain while sleeping – and more intense dreams. Well last night I had the single most fucked up dream I have ever had. It felt like it went on for two hours. Buckle your seat belts – this is one fucked up ride.

DREAM:  I woke up to the sound of voices outside, in particular, a man yelling at someone. He was saying “You know what I’m going to do to you don’t you!” It sounded terrifying. It sounded like someone was about to get murdered. It sounded like it was in my bedroom. My heart instantly started racing. It was pounding. I could feel it popping out of my chest. I instantly grabbed my phone and called my neighbor Kiki who lives across the street to see if she was hearing anything. She didn’t pick up. I called 911 and told them that someone was being murdered next door to me. They seemed interested but then just put the phone down as if I was that weird person who called them everyday. “Oh it’s that freak in Silver Lake who thinks someone’s being murdered every night.” I peaked out my window and saw someone run by. I was literally jumping out of my skin. Clearly this was a Manson Murder type situation and I was next. I had to get out of the house. I grabbed Tulip and tried to sneak down the street to my other neighbors Kelly and Wade.   As I’m trying to sneak past the house where the alleged murder is happening I see an older witchy looking woman with a few dogs standing guard in front. “Want to babysit my dogs?” she says to me. “Yeah, no, sorry, my husband would kill me if I bring home another dog.” Quickly I dart to Kelly and Wades who immediately let me in. They are having a party that is only populated by really handsome Australian men. Its as if some kind of crazy rugby team bus just broke down in front of their house and they invited them all in. I tell them what is happening and they seem completely nonplussed. But they do call the police. Nothing happens. No cops come. I’m losing my mind. They are having cocktails and partying as if it’s just another Sunday night in Silver Lake. I peer out the window of their house, which looks directly into the murder house across the street, which has a giant front window that has no blinds and I see exactly what is going on. The guy who was yelling is talking to a dog – who he is fucking. What the what? Yes, there are what seems like dozens of dogs inside this house – and they are making doggie people porn. This to me is actually worse than murder but I realize – oh they won’t kill me – and so my heart suddenly stops pounding and is replaced with the overwhelming feeling of barfing my brains out and murdering the people who are doing this to the dogs. I decide its safe to go home – after all – a bunch of dog fuckers aren’t going to kill me – they may just try to steal Tulip. She’s pretty fuckable. As I’m heading to my house I see that the cops have finally showed up and are handcuffing and putting all of the dog fuckers – into the car. They look at me – I say – “Wow bummer guys. It’s not like you killed anyone.” Perfect cover I think – and I head into my house – which by the way – is gorgeous. It’s massive and sort of modern and seems to go on for days. Once inside I hear a noise out back. I go outside and seem to be surprised to find my friend Mimi and all of her girlfriends by my pool. There is a giant brass bed set up and her boyfriend Brett is sleeping in it. The girls are hanging out and drinking and chatting and having the best time and talk to me as if they are there every Sunday night and this is normal and I try to act as if I’m not surprised. Suddenly I’m thinking to myself – wow – my house is everything I’ve ever dreamed of. So I leave them and go inside where the creepy ring leader of the doggie sex chain is standing by my front door – but inside my house. I freak but try to act like we’re besties. “Oh hey, I have to get to bed can you come back later?” I shoo him out and when doing so, see dozens of dogs in my yard. Dogs of all shapes and sizes. I start walking around the grounds because now I have lost Tulip. There are six or seven mastiffs that look just like her and as I search for her I pass a guy with long hair sitting in a beach chair. I hear him say “Okay, all done now” and as I turn to him I see that he is breastfeeding a ferret that he has just pulled off his nipple. What the fuck? Again, I act nonchalant. I can’t find Tulip and so I go inside through my bathroom which is filled with so much product you can barely move. I pass a moisturizing warming station that has a baby oil and a regular moisturizer in it – warming. I put some oil on my arms and rub it in. It’s magical.  I see Tulip asleep on her doggie bed by my bed and I get back in bed and my friends start emailing me, texting me, and posting videos of the dog fuckers as if it’s the single funniest moment they have ever seen. And I wake up.


  1. The male voices I heard were the sounds coming from the man who lives behind me who insists on living his entire fucking life on his terrace. His voice travels through my house and into my bedroom at night. When I woke up I heard him having some inane conversation with someone like he does all the time.
  1. I called Kiki because I had just seen her that day and had had a long conversation with her about moving and maybe selling my house.
  1. The Australian party  is because I work out with a bunch of beautiful Australian men at Training Mate every day. They are warm and inviting and make me feel safe.
  1. I had been at my friend Brian and Nicks house earlier that day. They have five dogs and with Tulip added its always a nut house. At one point during our Easter dinner I looked over and two of the french bull dogs were fucking each other like mad. We laughed.
  1. Having people at my house to come and go as they please is something that I both crave and struggle with. I enjoy having people around but am so type A that sometimes it becomes overwhelming. Its one of the things that weed has helped me through.
  1. My big beautiful house with a pool. I have been dreaming about having to move out of a house with a pool for years. Over and over again I have the dream that I’m moving away from the house with the pool that I love so much. I have zero idea what this means as I’ve never had a house with a pool – ever – in my entire life. Maybe I’m moving to one? We shall see. In general I have been struggling with the idea of selling my house. If the writers strike happens – it’s hasta la vista baby to this home I have called home. I am torn.
  1. Earlier that day I had been to the supermarket and saw an exact replica of Tulip in someone’s back seat. I was convinced someone stole Tulip and even went up to the dog to see if I could see it’s collar. The only reason I realized it wasn’t Tulip was that the dog moved away from me and went to the other side of the car window.
  1. The idea of everyone posting videos of this dog fucking horror show at my neighbor’s house is a pretty easy one – I turned off my social media so I didn’t have to look at everyones inane posts about about their Coachella outfits.  In general I am struggling with social media.  I enjoy being able to catch up with friends on Facebook but other than that – I’m out. It makes me anxious. I have enough anxious in my life.
  2. And now for the really important part. I have tried for years to moisturize my body on a daily basis. I hate it. I’m always freezing standing there naked in the morning and at night and all I want is a moisturizer warmer like babies have. I have been thinking of getting one. Clearly this dream was a sign.
  3. I forgot the husband part and why I used the excuse that I couldn’t babysit the weird witchy ladies dogs because my husband would get mad.  This ones pretty obvious guys.

In conclusion – it seems that TM does open up your dreams. Lets hope its not always a dog fucking nightmare.

The End.

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