I have finally unlocked the secret to weight loss for me and before you start rolling your eyes and banging your coffee cup on the table and bitching about what a liar I am and how I’m naturally thin and why do I care what I weigh when I obviously don’t gain weight ever – trust me when I say – EVERYONE STRUGGLES WITH WEIGHT IN THEIR OWN WAY – and if they’re not struggling with it they are sitting in a big fat leather barka lounger that has two of those cup holder thingys and they’re eating a deep fried chocolate covered cheeto out of one and sipping a chocolate milk shake from the other right now. They’re also probably watching Fox News. Yes I just called all right wingers fat. It’s not the worst thing I’ve called them. Losing weight is hard – if it wasn’t – America wouldn’t be obese. And we are. Just look at our president. That man hasn’t seen his penis in years. If he has one that is. Its obviously WAY smaller than mine. Now I love food. Correction – I love “good” food. And sometimes that food isn’t good for me but I love it anyway. I talk about food the way men talk about sexy women or the way women talk about sexy shoes. Sitting down for a great meal with friends is one of my most favorite things to do. I think cooking for friends is also an important part of showing them just how much you love them and I don’t cook for just anyone. (So yeah, if you haven’t been to my house for a meal – I hate you. There I said it. I’ve been looking for a way to tell you for years now and I’m masking it within the pages of this blog in hopes that you’ll get it.) I also love going to a great restaurant and I will spend hours on my computer looking up and researching the best places to go. That used to take about ten minutes in Los Angeles but now we are exploding with good food of all shapes and sizes. If you mention a neighborhood to me – I will tell you the best restaurants there before I tell you what its even like as a hood. I talk about food while I’m eating food – in fact I’m usually planning my next meal as I’m eating my current meal. Chefs are rock stars to me and now that I’ve been eating vegan for a few months again – people who can turn plants into amazing things are well… amazing. Has everyone stopped rolling their eyes from me saying Vegan yet? Okay – lets say I’m a Pescavegan because I think I may start eating fish again – that is – as soon as I can unhear the sound of the fishies tiny ocean filled tears thanks to a story someone told me about how they suffer on the fishing line. But I will eat a fucking tuna goddammit.
My biggest problem with food is – I eat it when I shouldn’t. Which is in bed – late at night. I’ve written about it before – the horror of waking up with a melted chocolate in my bed and once figuring out its chocolate – realizing I have once again eaten pretty much while sleeping. I have woken up with so many food remnants in my bed it looks like someone threw a dinner party on me. I have had gum in my hair or glued to my sheets more times than I care to tell. So – what’s the secret to weight loss for me?
It’s a little thing called SLEEP. It is something that has evaded me for years. Its’ one of the things that led me to marijuana which is one of the things that lead me to eating sour patch kids at two am. Well sour patch kids with a side of everything on the left side of my fridge and the lower shelf of my pantry. But when my meditation teacher daddy took away my weed toys he also took away my ability to sleep. And so I have tried the horrible, terrible, don’t try this at home kids method of going to sleep – I took a sleeping pill. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Oh mystery of life at last I found you. I dropped six pounds in ten days just by sleeping and not eating a garbage truck of garbage.
So there you have it folks. Take drugs. Lose weight. THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN SPONSORED BY NO ONE WITH A FUCKING BRAIN IN THEIR HEAD.