Published February 28, 2017 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

vegetable oil, chives, agave… vegetable oil, chives, agave… vegetable oil, chives, agave. I said the three items to myself over and over again as I pulled into the Gelsons parking lot. I usually send myself emails or write slips of paper listing ingredients I need and then completely forget that I emailed them or where I put them, but I was ADMITTEDLY in a rush. I had a hair appointment in twenty minutes and a dinner party immediately following and I had forgotten a few key things I needed. In I pulled to the Gelsons parking lot – which is so fancy it now has live Jazz music on the weekends. It has become a source of deep embarrassment to me and I try to shop when I know the weird man with the guitar in the fruit section playing to a crowd of weirdos who choose to actually sit and have wine and cheese at a bar in the middle of a supermarket – wont be there. I could point them to ten solid cool bars within spitting distance. The snacks may not be so easily accessible but the music is probably better. Anywhooooo… I pulled in to the parking lot just as a man with a small girl started walking from their car to the front of the supermarket. I WAS NO WHERE NEAR THEM.   “Excuse me. You almost hit us. Did you not see us?” I was not in the mood for this and so I simply said – “I did not. Terribly sorry.” But this was not enough for him. “Were you even looking? Were you on your phone? I bet you were on your phone.” Now normally I wouldn’t have taken that bet because I could have been on my phone but I wasn’t. “You’re going to kill someone because of the way you drive.” Me: “Sir, I’m not quite sure what you want from me but I already apologized.” He continued…. He would not stop. “I have a child with me and you need to watch where you’re going.” I kept walking into the store. He kept berating me. I wanted so badly to shred him with my tongue but couldn’t because I was at least cognizant that he had a child with him. “We’re going to pull the parking lot tapes and report you.” Oh for the love of god please pull the parking lot tapes. I’m sure they tape all the stupid shit that doesn’t happen in the parking lot. Maybe you can track down where that guy goes that says he’s taking my money for some orphanage. I know he’s not. See if you can follow him? Maybe you can solve the Girl Scout Cookie crisis that’s happening. I mean – they’re out there every day. Maybe you could show the tapes to those GreenPeace and Peta people and prove that I have donated every fucking day and to leave me the fuck alone. And then he said “We almost had to stop walking to avoid you.” And I turned… “You ALMOST” had to stop walking? ALMOST!!??? Ohmigoodness are you okay? Have I thrown off your entire shopping trip because you had to ALMOST stop walking in a parking lot. IT’S A PARKING LOT NOT A WALKING LOT. But what I really wanted to say I didn’t and so I shall say it now. FUCK YOU MAN WHO’S TOO OLD TO HAVE THE CHILD YOU HAVE. YOU’LL BE DEAD WHEN SHE’S TWENTY. BUT YOU’RE SO FUCKING SELFISH YOU JUST HAD TO HAVE A CARBON COPY OF YOURSELF EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE TOO OLD TO EVEN GET IT UP ANYMORE. DO YOU THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO TEACH YOUR CHILD THAT BERATING SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARKING LOT IS A GOOD LESSON? PERHAPS WE COULD HAVE HAD A DISCUSSION AND YOU COULD HAVE TAUGHT HER SOMETHING ABOUT WORKING OUT YOUR PROBLEMS AND NOT YELLING AT TOTAL STRANGERS. YOU DON’T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT MY DAY WAS LIKE OR WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH AT THIS MOMENT. I SAID I’M SORRY. YOU ARE A BELIGERENT ASSHOLE WHO SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO RAISE A CHILD. YOU’RE SO LUCKY I DIDN’T DESTROY YOU WITH MY MOUTH. BECAUSE I COULD HAVE. AND ANOTHER THING – YOU SUCK.

I feel better.

Hey people with kids – I get it – they’re precious. So am I.

3 comments on “THE BARKING LOT

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