I know it’s a little late but if the fat guy is still up there flying around handing shit out – I have a list and a chimney and I’m willing to bake cookies if that helps get a visit from the Commander in Chief of Christmas. I feel that since Hanukah fell on Christmas Eve this year, I can poach a couple of elves to handle my stuff. I’m sure if the people who ran Chanukah could figure out one spelling for that holiday for all of us to use – we’d finally get a couple of gift and wish elves of our own, but until that happens I’m hoping for a crossover episode. Now I realize some of my requests are a little global but hey – you’re Santa and you have a shit ton of reindeer to help – so get to it fat man – you still have the whole day. I don’t need new stuff. Just some help with the old.
#1 – Can you please help me find my slippers. They were last seen on my feet.
#2 – Can you please help me find my favorite bracelet. It was last seen on my wrist.
#3 – Can you help me find everything I’ve ever lost in my own home. Socks, shoes, shirts, glasses, rings, my mind, etc. This one in particular is going to be on the list every year so deal with it. I have to.
#4 – Can you please erase the memories from the brains of all the people I was in exercise class with the morning I almost shit myself and had to hide in the workout bathroom for twenty minutes with disaster pants listening to the instructor yell – “thirty seconds left people, lets really push it!” Trust me… I was pushing.
#5 – Can you make sugar the greatest diet secret known to mankind and every time we eat something sweet we drop another pound? I’d be invisible right now. And not the kind of invisible I already am.
#6 – Can you straighten my hair permanently. I feel like this is a fair trade off for a Jew turning to Santa for help.
#7 – Can you please get people to stop reminding me of my past. People do change. People who remind us of what assholes we used to be – don’t. Lets knock that crap out immediately.
#8 – Can you get Zara to stop using Syrian Refugee children to make my favorite clothing. How am I supposed to buy sparkle pants for NYE if they’re tainted with child sweat.
#9 – Can you put an age limit on dieting and award a bonus to everyone who stays skinny until they’re 55? YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HARD IT IS SANTA!!
#10 – Can you end war and famine and all that shitty stuff so I feel better about wanting the new Time Slippers that look like sneakers but feel like heaven.
#11 – Can anyone who ever abuses a child or an animal, immediately vanish from the planet the second it happens right after they get a punch to the face that lasts an eternity.
#12 – Can good things stop happening to bad people.
#13 – Can bad people stop ruining good things.
#14 – Can the Karma police get a time limit. Thirty seconds tops is good for me.
#15 – Can you erase the life tapes of me doing embarrassing stuff like falling down drunk, eating things out of the garbage, having sex with horrible people and maybe barfing on them, wearing stirrup pants, getting a perm, leaving that horrendous fuck you message that one time on that guys answering machine and the time I bought a pet rock. I don’t want to have to watch those tapes when I get to heavens waiting room. I feel like I’m already going to be too busy crying about all the time I wasted caring about all the things on my lists.