The Big Break Up

Published December 24, 2016 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Well, I’ve gone and done it now.  I’ve completely misjudged an entire gender and now I think – I’m really going to pay for it.  It turns out that the straight white american man – is a big fat liar.

The straight white American man has always been my friend.  He was always predictable to an embarrassing degree and I was always cool with knowing exactly what’s in the box before I rip off the “you’re cute when you think you’re right” bow and throw away the “i know i can change you” wrapping.  The straight white American man and I got each other. That is – until now.

It’s taken me years to discover true friendships with women, the gays and I have managed to find some common yet shaky ground, but I never questioned my relationship with the white American man. I could always depend on his love. I believed that at the end of the day – my power as a woman – could overcome anything he didn’t intentionally put in my way (because you know they never do anything intentionally) and laugh quietly to myself knowing that in the grand scheme of life – I had won. We always win. We’re women. They love us. Ruh Roh.

We go way back – the straight white American man and I.  We worked in television and told dick jokes together, we drank beers and talked about ugly chicks at the bar and I even banged a couple of them here and there along the way when I was super duper drunk and didn’t care.  I got them and they didn’t get me.  It was a beautiful relationship. No surprises. Everyone keep making out and moving – and we’ll all be fine. They won’t do anything too stupid. They’re straight white American men for goodness sakes. They’ve even figured out how to do some good stuff right? Again, Ruh Roh

Now I’m not sure how it happened but it seems that all these years of me thinking that I was winning as a woman, has been a lie. It seems that behind our backs – we’ve been put into some kind of chick coma – hypnotized to believe we are loved … and heard. Yes, in 2016 I found out something that I really didn’t think was possible – is very very real.  The straight white American man HATES ME. (And by the way so do a lot of his women folk) Yes, the young man I grew up thinking I could count on – wants nothing to do with me. In fact – you’re running in the opposite direction of me and I’m starting to believe that all the horrible things people have said about you for all these years are true. I defended you – and now you’ve abandoned me. And the worst part is – it didn’t just start in 2016. You’ve hated me all along and hid it. You’ve laid in wait all these years and pounced on me when I least expected it. You may be the voice I’ve been battling the loudest all these years and you may have even used me to talk about my own kind and hate them and be jealous of them. You have lulled me into a false sense of security, plotting and scheming against me for years – and now the worst thing that could happens has… you’ve picked a leader more hideous than anyone could have imagined. You’ve made the doofus of all straight white American men – your KING. And you gave him the keys to my castle.

And so I’m breaking up with you straight white American man. You can have your records back but I’m keeping the I’M WITH STUPID t-shirt. I will not be quiet. I will not be polite. I will not be your bitch any more.

For all anger about grand generalizations… please see the management.


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