That’s it. I’m done. Stick a fork in me. It’s over. Finito. Caput. Finished. Donesky. Over. Buh Bye. See ya later. Sayonara. So long suckers. I can’t take it anymore and I’m ready to officially say – after Snapchat… I’m out. Yes – any new social media can go socially fuck itself because my brain is out of space to fit any more instructions to any more things I have to shoot, write, snap, or insta-barf into the universe. And I know something’s coming down the pike because that’s the way these things always work – the kids grab it – use it – the old people like me find it – use it – it becomes uncool – and some 23 year old savant develops something else to make sure that everyone I know – knows everything I’m doing every second of the day and I’m just not sure I know why.
Now don’t get me wrong – I have loved things like Facebook and Instagram – for the most part – because they have helped me keep in touch with people I’ve lost touch with or see what other people I used to be in contact with are up to – or feel massive FOMO every time I see a friend doing something I should be doing or they shouldn’t be doing. For the most part I can figure out how things work and have a fairly simple time posting a shot of my dog tulip sleeping which until recently I didn’t think was an important event but now it seems like the most dire of situations if I don’t post a pic of her all splayed out on my bed because if I don’t – how will people know that’s what she does – or what she looks like – or what my sheets look like – or the massive pile of weed on my bed stand shit I should have edited that photo better. I enjoy seeing what people are up to and it’s okay that ten seconds after that perfect shot was taken – it was a total shit show at the gym, or in the car wash, or at some restaurant. Mostly some restaurant because god knows people love posting food. Look I’m eating!! We all do it. We have to share it. We don’t even know why. Everyone knows that if it didn’t happen on snapchat or facebook or instagram – IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.
The problem is – I now talk to people on so many different forms of social media that I can’t keep up. I post a pic of my status to Facebook then have a conversation with a friend on Snapchat then DM someone on Insta then live walkie someone on Voxer and on and on and on. My status: I’m hungry. Here’s where I went to feed my face. My insta: Here’s a shot of my new dress. I’m so pretty. My snap chat: Look and listen to my dog farting while I’m in cat face, no dog face, no pigtails, no a frog. My voxer: Hey here’s a message about my dinner and a picture of it and my dog is farting in the background. My brain is full of apps and filters and edits and crap I can’t take it anymore. I once talked to one friend on four different social media platforms all in the span of one hour in one day. Maybe we should just meet and have lunch? Just a thought.
And how the fuck are people dating these days through social media? Back when I was a teenager in the 1800’s if you liked someone you had to wait for them to pull their wagon into your field – now you have to try and figure out what they’re saying to you in 140 characters or some emoji or something else. Remember when a boy had to CALL YOU to ask you out? Now you can stalk him on countless social media platforms and see who else he’s fucking while waiting for him to call you. Times have changed.
So while I will continue to use social media to inform people of important events in my life like Tulips new toy or this blog – I need everyone to understand that after Snapchat – I’m out. I’m exhausted and I don’t’ want to feel badly anymore because someone is doing something better than me. No one is. Everyone’s doing the same thing and I’m getting a little sick of it. We’re emailing, texting, shooting, snapping, and checking in. Well you know what I’m not sick of? Life. I’m checking in to that.
p.s. I have shared this blog on fourteen different social media platforms. You’re welcome.