“You need to eat a cheeseburger” is the “hi how are you” of 2016. Or at least the hello I’ve been getting lately and nothing makes me happier. I used to believe that the nicest thing you could say to me is “you look anorexic” but since that has become totally yet hideously unfairly un-pc – I’ll have to learn to live with the greeting – “you need to eat something.” It’s like music to my ears – and not just any music – but the greatest music there is. It’s a song that plays over and over in my head and says – you’re amazing – you did it – you look so thin that people are actually concerned about you. It’s like a lullaby that floats me into the happiest place on earth – a place where all of my skinny clothes fit and all of my fat clothes hang on me like I’m walking the runway at a Chanel show only I’m wearing a 28 dollar T shirt dress from Aritzia. Now, there is popular opinion that when you get to be my age – 163 – that you need a little meat on your bones and I say – that popular opinion was formed by someone who can’t get down to a size 2 once they’ve hit 50. People say that you look older when you’re too thin and I say – if my neck looked any older I’d be forced into a retirement living situation and that has nothing to do with my weight loss and has everything to do with my mom. I blame you for my neck mom. I’m okay that you didn’t let me wear slip on shoes until I was 16 – but a little warning and perhaps a couple of prevention tips on the old Clements head holder upper would have been super helpful. I have never hated a body part more than my neck and that includes a super wonky left boob that didn’t quite enjoy the breast reduction surgery as much as the right boob did. But the one thing I can control – or at least attempt to – is my weight. And so – finding myself with a few months of unexpected time off – I started working out – a lot – daily – sometimes twice a day – and the result has been – a tinier me. Yay! Sound the horns! Fire the fireworks! Shoot the canons! Tell the world I’m winning the weight loss game. And what do I get? A trophy? A congratulatory note? A parade thrown by all the people in all the land who know how hard it is to lose weight? No. I get “You’re too thin” – “You’re wasting away” and the favorite “You need to eat a cheeseburger” which is apparently the one food that is going to put weight on me the minute I shove it down my gullet. I’ve suddenly come to realize that there is a very real thing happening. It’s called Skinny Shaming – and while I look forward to it on a daily basis – it’s starting to become annoying. I am being cursed for the hard work I do to maintain the weight I like to maintain to be happy in my life. Am I too thin? Perhaps. Could I use a corned beef sandwich and a coke? I’m not going to say no. But I’m not unhealthy and I’m not anorexic and I’m not puking my brains out on the side of the road after I polished off a large bag of Sour Patch kids or finished a bucket of buttered pop corn in the ladies room at the Arclight theater. I’m not saying I haven’t done either of those things in the past but I’m not doing that now. I am eating a very healthy diet of one salad a day mixed with two pints of halo top ice cream and if that’s not healthy I don’t know what is. I also eat a nectarine or two a day when I’m feeling frisky. Come on people – that’s a TON of food. I also still have a boatload of cellulite and bye bye arms and if you don’t know what those are it’s the underarm that keeps waving bye bye after you’ve stopped. So I say to you – if I look too thin to you – I’m terribly sorry – but maybe you could look at it this way. I’m trying to get healthy so that I don’t break a hip because if I fall down no one is there to pick me up because I don’t’ have a husband or a boyfriend or a child because unlike you I’m all alone in the world and no one is around to take care of me if I’m fat and can’t wipe my own ass. And if that isn’t enough for you to understand why it’s important for me to be healthy and thin then look at it this way – I’ll be fat again any minute because as they say on GOT – winter is coming.