I’ve never been one to call God an asshole but I think he really fucked up in the whole boy girl department and I have quite a few bones to pick with him when it comes to the fact that he made us way too different to ever come together. Yes, I believe in God. Yes, I believe he’s a dude – though he’s more of just a cloud in a robe – possibly wearing a leafy crown and possibly mandals – which I hate but it’s God – so I kind of have to give him a pass. And finally, yes, I believe I’m still a girl. I like being called a girl and if that’s a problem for you well then I guess you can go sit on a spike. Sorry to be such a stickler on this one but there are so few battlefields left for me to conquer. Apparently I’m about to start smelling like pee all the time and despite the fact that I no longer have to shove a cotton baton inside my vagina once a month – some company wants me to wear a tinkle tampon everyday because I may laugh so hard that I’ll spill urine in my undies. This is not very sexy. I’m sorry – I have once again become sidetracked by the horror of the future.
My current knowledge of boy and how the sexes are far too different to live in peace without the aid of alcohol comes from the fact that I now live with a 25 year old young man. Stop your gasping, heavy breathing and finger wagging (or rounds of applause) – he’s just my friend and let me tell you that the knowledge he is secretly delivering to me on a daily basis could change your life. You should pay him. Actually you should pay me. I could rent him out but I’m quite certain that the average female would destroy him before she could use his knowledge for good and not evil. Living with a twenty five year old male who is not your child is not as dumb an idea as one would think. I mean – I happened to get a good one – but if you look hard enough you could probably find one like mine or at least close to it. They’re all over the place. I saw two at the mall yesterday doing absolutely nothing but talking about cars and creatine powder.
The bonuses of the quarter life male are this – I always have someone to smoke pot with and he always has someone’s phone to explain to them how it works. Unfortunately, all of the magical and wondrous things I’ve learned are basically of no use to me now. But oh how they would have helped my twenty five year old self!!! The heartache that I could have saved knowing the things I now know like – he wasn’t ignoring my text messages – they just didn’t have a tit shot attached so the level of importance went down to code pink at best. So now I have all this incredible knowledge and nothing to do with it because men my age are too busy cleaning up a shit storm of a first second or third marriage and men his age want nothing to do with me unless it’s to load them a fresh bong hit or fold their underpants after I’ve done a load of laundry. But knowledge like this must not go to waste and while there are so many things I can’t share with you – because I’ve taken a vow of roommate silence – here are a few of the most important things you need to know about young men and dating.
#1 If you stop asking them questions they will tell you everything you need to know. And I mean – everything.
#2 They aren’t thinking anything ever and if they are – see #1
#3 They will never tell you how they feel about you as much as you want them to. If they say it once – that counts for life.
#4 If he’s not calling you – it’s not because he’s busy.
#5 When he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend – he’s not kidding.
#6 When they make a plan with you it is absolutely one hundred percent NOT a plan until you physically see them face to face. “Lets get together this week” means nothing.
#7 Let them tell you how to do stuff or fix stuff even if you know how to do it. It makes them feel important and quite frankly i don’t need to know how to change a tire or add an emoji to a picture or what kind of protein powder is good after a workout. But keep the questions to a minimum or you’ll head into head explosion territory.
Honestly the thing I learned most is the thing I’ve always known. Women have got to start coming into relationships with the opposite sex as whole human beings and not base everything you feel on how someone else feels about you. The main person who’s feelings count when it comes to you – is you.
I’m sure I’ve said all of this before so in conclusion I’d just like to add – NO – you cannot borrow my dude. I’m training him. I get to keep him.