My Big Bang Theory

Published May 8, 2016 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I have pink hair, nine tattoos (including one that says “Shut the Fuck Up” on my ass) smoke a lot of weed, and can often be found dressed in something most fifty something’s, and a few twelve year old boys and a handful of twenty year old hooker cheerleaders, would consider inappropropriate. In other words – I’m a walking pile of judgment for others to peruse, point fingers at, and discuss. And I’m super cool with that. Because here’s the deal – I put all of that out there. It’s right in front of you for you to see – and shred – or enjoy – or be jealous of – or hate – or curse – or love. I am fully aware that if I don’t want to be judged for how I look I should just leave the house everyday in two brown paper bags – one on top for the hair and one big one to cover the clothes. The shoes can stay in the clear – everyone loves my shoes. But I don’t really care about what people think when it comes to how I look. Lets be honest – I’m already judging myself enough in that department so I can’t really hear your hatred above the deep dark “you’re fat and old” voices in my head – which are terrifically loud – and unlike most things about aging – actually seem to get stronger. Fuck. Stop. Someday I’m sure my judgement bubble will pop and you should all leave town when that happens because there are going to be some amazing choices made when I officially give zero fucks. Its going to be a fucking river of inappropriate. Think motorcycle with side car and large mastiff with helmet. Just a thought.

But the other day I had a really interesting conversation with a woman who does some work at my house – and she told me how upset she was that her daughter sent her a text telling her that she was a lesbian. She hadn’t answered the text in two days and was clearly very upset. Her daughter is single, but the mother of two children, and she was terrified that these children would now be gay because they’d be raised by two women. She actually fully deeply believes that’s how it happens. So obviously there are a few problems with her way of thinking and we had a very long discussion about all of it ending in me telling her to text her immediately and say she loved her no matter what but it made me realize just how ridiculous it is that in 2016 people are still being judged for their sexuality and I’m just saying – shut up already everyone!! I mean – if sexuality is all that defines me than I’m fucked because I don’t fuck. And I’m sorry but I currently don’t want to bang around with either sex. How does that make me who I am? When do we get to officially take sex off the list of reasons to hate people? There are so many other things to hate them for — like their hatred of gay people.

I have a friend whose entire career has been about other people trying to figure out if he’s gay or not. Many people who know of his true sexuality want him to publically define who he bangs. He is not one of those people. I am not one of those people. It’s none of your business. Who he puts his penis in will never change how he is as an actor, unless he fucks someone who gives him a job. And that does happen on the regular here in Hollywood.  And quite frankly I say kudos to that.  If getting a great job happens by me having sex with someone than bring it cause I’m on hiatus and my shopping budget has been drastically cut and while I’m not interested in fucking I’d do it for a pair of Chloe boots I’ve had my eye on for awhile. I’ll learn how to live with my shame.

Let’s stop defining people by who they choose to love and just be grateful that they love at all, because that is the only thing stopping us from completely shitting the bed on this whole life thing. Please. I’m exhausted.

I didn’t have children but if I did they’d be showered with love and pot and shoes and great food. I wouldn’t care which sex they were sleeping with as long as they were happy and I’d hug them at the end of every day and say – now go light mommy a joint and get her a kombucha and hug her good night.  Life is short. Finding someone to love isn’t easy. Knock it off everyone.

6 comments on “My Big Bang Theory

  • Heidi…I applaud your attitude. The sad fact is that people need to put their opinion where it doesn’t belong. If someone is gay, how does that impact my life in a negative way? If they are happy, that should be all we as human should care about. Keep living your life and let’s hope others pay attention.
    your old pal, Jim Pavia

  • It will be a wonderful world when people finally learn to STOP judging one another!

    I never had kids, but if I had a kid who turned out to be gay, I would not love him or her any the less, and I would try to be as nice as any mother-in-law can be to whoever ended up being his/her partner. (Of course, there is always that he’s-not-good-enough-for-my-child thing, but that’s a whole other story! LOL!)

    By the way, one of the good things about getting old(er) is that you can wear any damn thing you want that’s comfortable. Old(er) people can be as freakin’ eccentric as we want, the more the better.

    (I wonder if I have any tie-dyed bodysuits or Indian cotton skirts lying in a corner somewhere, and if I could get into them.)

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