“Wearing a condom is like eating ice cream with a sock over my tongue” – said the 30 year old young man standing in my kitchen – as the subject of having sex with condoms came up. Now, I’m old but I believe what he was saying was – when one wears a condom you can’t feel a thing – and the simple pleasure of say – eating ice cream – or something that definitely does not taste like ice cream – is gone. Well here’s something else that will be gone if you don’t wear a condom – the taste of freedom when some chick you don’t even like spits out a little gelato flavor I like to call – BABY.
It’s fascinating how many young men don’t like to wear condoms these days. Perhaps it’s always been this way. You didn’t need to wear condoms when I was younger because the government hadn’t invented a disease that kills gay people and the drug companies hadn’t banded together to make sure we never find a cure. But I digress. I also – much to the disagreement of many – do NOT have a penis so I don’t know what it feels like to sheath it in a plastic wrap much like my grandma used to have on her couches. But no matter how many young man I talk to – and much younger than this 30 year old – I’m stunned by how many of them don’t wear condoms and are having sex with people they barely know. Why are so many young men walking around with a loaded gun in their pants and shooting it willy nilly into vaginas around the world!? I mean eating birthday cake naked in a jacuzzi with a gas mask pot bong on my face would feel great to – but I don’t do it because it has consequences – consequences like my neighbors seeing me and reporting me to someone who handles old women too stoned in their hot tubs to get out and realize what an embarrassment they are being. But again – I digress.
A young man I know is convinced that he has the pull out method down to a science. Well herpes doesn’t care if you pull out. That little bugger will bite you on your entrance into the great vagina gateway and you’re screwed right after you’re screwed. What’s even funnier is this comes from someone who doesn’t even like to share a spoon with someone over a yogurt but shockingly is willing to put Mr. Pee Pee into a dark cave he’s never spelunked before. This is not smart. Caves are dangerous. They hide things… like semen… and use it later… after you’ve packed up your climbing gear and left.
Another twenty something told me that he just can’t do it. That sex is just not enjoyable with a condom. He can’t, won’t, isn’t going to , never gonna happen, no thanks, no way, no how. Perfect. Call me when your dick falls off while you’re babysitting your fifteenth no condom kid. Party. Woot woot.
I remember the day I got pregnant. Lucky for the young man who used the “pull out” method with me – I didn’t want to keep the baby. The day the doctor said “you’re pregnant” remains one of the worst days of my life. Sure – I can get an abortion – thank god – but that shouldn’t be the option. It’s not like vomiting after a party when you’ve had too much to drink and just want to get rid of the sick in your stomach. (I mean it kind of is but lets not dwell on that.) I don’t want to get into a discussion about when life begins – cause I’m still waiting for mine to start. : )
What it IS like is a terrible terrible time in a chair with a hose shoved up your ying yang and awful guilt for the rest of your life – and that’s a girls perspective who actually wanted the abortion. What happens when the girl decides she wants to keep your devil spawn? Well I know at least three young men who are going to find out if they don’t start enjoying sex just a little bit less. Next time you want to bang a babe for a night of what you think is no consequences – shove your tongues in some ice cream first. Once your head unfreezes maybe you’ll think a little more clearly.
Wrap it up boys. You’ll thank me later.