Last night while I was eating an old cold stale corn tortilla smeared with brie cheese I realized something and sadly it wasn’t – “I shouldn’t eat this.” It was that I’m not a person who can simply eat a piece of cheese – without anything else. I cannot delicately slice off a little wedge and pop it in my mouth – naked. That cheese needs transportation. A life raft so to speak – to ride its way to its death into my mouth. Yes, I am a person who needs a cheese delivery system. I need a cracker. And when crackers are not available – I will use anything. I probably would have used a coffee filter had I not found the package of old tortillas at the bottom of the crisper which by the way seems to be a total sham because it certainly isn’t keeping anything I own crisp – other than the tortillas. My habit of eating late at night has not slowed down and the concept of filling my bed so I don’t fill my face isn’t working out quickly enough and if I don’t do one before I stop doing the other I’m going to pop the lug nuts on my soul cycle and ride that thing right out of the classroom. I decided a few weeks ago that I want to live this decade as the Fitties not the Fatties and while I’m working out like a banshee and consuming about eight calories during the day – I still haven’t curbed the night eating. I’m still waking up with a plate of something next to my bed and usually something in my bed. Last night the cheese platter came with a side of fruit and I guess I slept on a few blueberries because when I woke up this morning I thought I was bleeding from some orifice and I was slightly concerned at the color – blue. Also Tulip has gum in her hair and I think that’s from me chewing wads of it while trying NOT to raid the fridge and then sticking it on the table next to me rather than swallow it because the amount of gum I swallow is also a cause for concern. In fact – maybe the ten pounds I can’t get rid of is a giant ball of Stride 2000 just sitting in my belly. I have to stop smoking pot so I stop eating but I can’t sleep if I don’t smoke pot so now I need to figure out what to do with those twenty minutes before I fall asleep when I want to eat a stick of butter like a protein bar. I’ve been keeping the fridge stocked with fruit so that I don’t eat anything too bad but I do like to keep some cheese in the house for company but I’m usually eating it before the company ever comes. And by the way – who says “company” anymore? In fact, if I’m having a dinner party I have to shop the day of because I’ll eat everything I have to cook before anyone comes over. I once made a monkey bread to bring to work the night before and ate almost the whole thing so I had to go to the grocery store in the morning and rebuy and recook the whole thing. I act like I’m living in Europe and go to the supermarket every day but it’s not because I’m looking for the freshest ingredients it’s because I’m restocking whatever I demolished the night before. Yesterday a young Scientologist was eyeing my cheese purchases at the checkout line. You can spot the Scientologists because they wear a uniform and look dead inside. It was a lot of judgement from a kid buying “kiss my face” lotion. Who even knew they made that anymore? So I guess what I’m trying to say is – if anyone has a cure for the munchies – and don’t say eat baby carrots because I will baby kill you – please let me know. Until then – I’ll see you in the cracker aisle. I’m out.