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All posts for the month February, 2015

Call Me Grandma

Published February 2, 2015 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I’ve recently discovered that there are quite a few important world changing things I’d like to open a Kickstarter campaign for, the invention of calorie free Sour Patch Kids, cigarettes that don’t kill, and jeans that make you lose weight when you wear them. I mean, if some guy can get thousands of dollars for a cole slaw recipe – why can’t I fund my inane inner brain thoughts? Lately however there’s one thing I really could use some funding to help stop: The rampant use of the clichés “age is just a number” and “you’re only as old as you feel.” I call bullshit on both of those and here’s why… other people. I can go around all day feeling youthful in my daisy dukes with black tights, combat boots, and a sweatshirt that says “clothes before bros” but the second I leave the house and go out in public – it’s all over – and reality can sometimes be a cruel cruel bitch – and sometimes that cruel cruel bitch is just a woman you meet at a Superbowl party.

It’s been happening to me a lot lately. I’m hanging around a younger friend – minding my own business – when somebody offers up a comment that’s such a fucking drive by I want to shoot them from the tinted back window of the car I’m not driving. For instance – I was out to dinner with my friend Chelsea one night – a beautiful 26 year old – when the waiter came by and said “It’s so nice to see a mother daughter out together.” After I finished choking on my pan friend dumpling and crying at the dinner table – I realized it could be a compliment . After all – he did think I was cute enough to be her mom cause she’s pretty fucking cute. But the Mom word is being thrown around a lot at me lately – and it’s happened when I’m just innocently standing next to someone younger. “Oh is this your son? Your daughter?” It’s most painful when I’m with my 24 year old male friend and people think I’m his mom. Sure I could be, but he doesn’t need to be reminded of that when I’m trying to get him to sleep with me now does he? And just when I’m starting to get used to the whole Mom thing – by the way – I didn’t have kids so fucking knock it off – I get delivered an even lower blow at a Super Bowl party while I was stoned and simply trying to see how many mini cupcakes I could shove in my mouth at once – answer 4.

So there I was – showing a group of girls a photo of my beautiful three month old niece Daphne – on my iphone which I know how to work fuckers – when a total stranger walked by and said “Oh is that your Granddaughter?” And Crash!!! Ow. That hurt. Did anyone see the car that just ran me over? What a fucking drive by! Maybe the Kickstarter campaign I need is to get more people to Shut The Fuck Up by using just my eyes. I needed a great comeback but all I could think was – where’s the bathroom I need to cry in private. But I’m working on a comeback – something that will level the person on the end of that comment. “No I can’t have kids because I’m dying of cancer.” That could work. Or – “I couldn’t have children because I’m dead inside” – that one may be too on the nose. I’m working on something though people, so you better be on the lookout and watch what you say to me.

In the meantime I’m trying to deal with the one cliché that seems to be holding true for now – THE TRUTH HURTS. And… scene.