All posts for the month January, 2015

The Big Bang

Published January 3, 2015 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Well 2015 came in with a bang – literally – when a speeding car slammed into my body – knocking it’s passenger side mirror into my hip and snapping it – the mirror not my hip – off like a Lego. The car never stopped. My back and hip hurt like hell which is where I’m hoping the driver ends up. There is no way they didn’t see me or hear the hit. It was loud. It was scary. I hate them. They were probably texting. I’m an old woman people. My body can’t take this kind of shit. It felt like a truck ran me over. But if you think this is going to stop me from having an amazing fucking year – you are wrong. I am choosing to make this the start of their year not mine – and I’m quite certain that person is going to have one fucked up year. I am using all of my karmic energy and my psychic Letty to make sure this happens. A chicken may have to die but that’s okay by me.
But the horrific event has got me thinking about my plans for 2015 and the kinds of things I want to manifest and the kinds of things I need to give up. First thing I’m giving up – getting hit by cars. Sure that ones easy but some of the others aren’t as on the nose. I have sadly come to realize that there are things in life I cannot change or turn back the hands of time on – for instance – the bikini days are gone. They lasted one year with my new boobs and that was it. I was so happy basking in the Turks and Caicos sun with my tiny tits but it was super short lived. Menopause has made my weight the single greatest quiz show in the history of the world. There is no right answer as it changes on a daily basis. I’ll take “What the Fuck Is Happening To My Body” for 100 please. Maybe Alex Trebek can get this shit under control but I’m giving up. I was forced into a one piece this year. And by forced I mean – I looked in the mirror and said – oh that shits not moving back anytime soon. Sadly the one piece doesn’t cover the arm or leg fat and when you get a tan in a one piece your belly looks even bigger when it’s all white compared to your tan legs and arms. Seeing young people flitting about on a beach not realizing they are playing with a body on a timer makes me crazy. I want to tell all of them not to take what they have for granted. What they have being – no cellulite and skin that snaps back into place. I’m pretty sure I could pull my excess skin into the shape of a balloon animal and it would stay that way. Maybe I should shape mine into a monkey on my back. I may have to go burkini soon. I was talking to a girlfriend the other night about this very subject – the concept of knowing when it’s over. “It” being that battle you wage with certain parts of your body. Getting old is such a bummer. I mean it’s better than kicking it and leaving a hot corpse but there are so many things you have to say goodbye to – like stomach muscles. I mean – I didn’t get on the exercise train until… well I’m still waiting to catch it. I know it’s not good to say “never” but I feel fairly certain that there are a few never’s I have to concede to. I will never have great arms again. I will never have tight skin on my thighs. My neck is getting to the point where I might get carved as a thanksgiving turkey next year. My hair is going and taking off any weight is now a lifelong project. I’ve also developed this new TMJ thing where every single time I open my mouth my jaw pops so loud people in other homes can hear it and just last week I developed some weird swollen rib thing that mimics a heart attack. I’m fucking falling apart at the speed of light and I’m not happy about it. All of this leads to the big never – banging a hot young guy – although there’s one left on my dance card – but I fear he’s gonna drop off right after he reads this – or sees me in my granny panties with the lights on. In fact – I’m quite certain he’s just humoring me. Its pretty easy. I’ll believe any twenty year old who tells me I’m hot. Why would they lie? I certainly can’t give them anything – except cash – which I will. I’m trying to age gracefully – like Diane Von Furstenberg – who is hands down the Queen of Cool Aging. She obviously gives Zero Fucks – and that is something I’m trying to achieve.
As for 2015 here are the extremely important things I’m working on. Drink more water. Get more massages. Sell and shoot my pilot. Stop eating cake and ice cream in the middle of the night. Stop eating anything in the middle of the night. Don’t stay at the party to late. Leave right before you see your friends do dumb shit. Have more dinner parties. Read more. Meet Amy Poehler. Her book is amazing. Enjoy every single solitary day and stop worrying about whether or not this is “it” – and instead make whatever this is – the best “it” it can be.