Commando In Chief

Published July 30, 2014 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I want everyone reading this to sit down immediately. It’s important because what I’m about to say will not only be life changing – it may in fact be the single greatest discovery one woman has ever made and I want to make sure that when I say it – nobody keels over and conks their head on a coffee table or a toilet – depending on where you read my blog but lets be serious I know it’s the later. Okay? We good? Everybody sitting? Here we go. I Heidi Clements, have discovered the secret to stop menopausal hot flashes and sweatiness. Boom Shaka Laka!! Let me start at the beginning.

For those of you who’ve read my book – some things have changed since it’s been published and I feel it’s my duty to update you.

1. I get hot flashes now.
They are constant. They are fucking annoying. They are ruining my hair. I have been forced to purchase a handheld fan and get looks from the boys I share a writers room with when I turn it on and point it at my head. I also like to pretend I’m a supermodel on a photo shoot when I do this.

2. I finally got that tattoo of my dog Zoey who died.
It’s her name on my right wrist. I didn’t get a giant picture of her head on my shoulder but I thought about it.

3. I am now a person who leaves the house without underpants.

And there we have it folks. Number three.

So, last night, I was invited to go hear one of the stars of “Baby Daddy” sing a few songs from his upcoming album. (he was amazing) The first problem was – what to wear. Now I don’t want to call myself obese because that’s just silly. I’m not obese. I’m morbidly obese. I’m a house. I’m a building with shoes. I’m puffed up so big if you stuck a pin in my I’d balloon all the way to Jersey. At least, that’s how I feel lately. I’m not sure why this is. I work out everyday. I don’t eat that much. I am confused. I am exhausted. I am running out of things that I think I look good in and last night my bedroom looked like a graveyard filled with stacks of dead body skirts and pants. I finally settled on a long tight skirt that sort of acted like a girdle but when I went to put on underwear the panty lines were so hideous because there was spillage over the top and out the bottom. Not cool. What to do? Well, I did what many girls do but I myself find truly gross disgusting and weird. I went out without underwear. At first it was okay. I didn’t really notice. But the second I sat down in my car – my two fat thighs started touching and I’m not gonna lie – it was odd – it was downright creepy. And depressing. But it was too late to turn back because it was – well too late. I parked by the event – about three blocks away – and began my walk. The only problem was – it was on a side street in Hollywood and my walk to the venue was suddenly feeling very rape-y. I was literally walking down rape alley, by myself, with no underwear on. This was clearly a mistake. When I got attacked somebody would say I was asking for it. “Of course she was raped. She was on rape alley with no panties.” So I hurried along and finally made it to the venue. I kept thinking that other people would find out I was unclothed in the pants area. I was nervous. I felt weird. But then it happened. Every single person in the place was complaining about the heat – except me. Young people were sweating – visibly. I was not. Now I’ve become a person who is hot everywhere constantly. The most common phrase I utter these days is – “Is it hot in here or am I having a hot flash?” But last night – it wasn’t me. And I finally realized why. It was the underwear – or in this case – the lack thereof. It turns out the secret to staying cool is a skirt and no undies. It turns out – the vagina is the airway we should be leaving open – a breezeway dare I say that lets the hot world around us just wave in and out. Just like the Hatch in Lost, my girlie parts are trapping heat and if I don’t push the button the whole things gonna blow. Yes, the unpantied vagina is a gateway to keeping cool.

I was so happy with my discovery that I forgot how fat I was on the way home and stopped to secretly buy some ice cream – Ben and Jerry’s half baked which thanks to my friend JL is now going to be a major problem for me. There I was in the supermarket without undies in the freezer section thinking – I pulled off two big things tonight and no one will ever know. And that’s when I looked up to see my friend Victoria walking down the aisle. Caught.

So – the moral of this story is – if you’re having a hot flash ladies – take off your undies – but if you need to get ice cream at 11pm – go to a supermarket in someone else’s neighborhood because getting caught with your hand in the freezer is way more embarrassing than getting caught without your underwear on. At least in my world.

7 comments on “Commando In Chief

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