Don’t Blame The Cake

Published June 10, 2014 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I’m starting to lose my faith in God. I’m starting to believe that there may not be a big smart someone up there guiding me and protecting me because if there were he would have made Chinese food – dietetic. If there were a God – ice cream would not make me feel whole again and french fries would not call out to me saying things like “eat me I’m just a potato how unhealthy can that be?” But he didn’t. God made everything that’s bad for me – delicious and intriguing and all of it available to my naked eye which is a weird expression because if my naked eye sees me naked it’s actually the best food deterent there is. I mean – one morning look in the full length mirror naked and bam! I’m back on a diet faster than you can say – wow I didn’t know you can have arm cellulite. Which by the way is just another cruel joke from the man upstairs. I mean – couldn’t he have spared our arms from the dreaded fat and would it have killed him to give both men and women cellulite and don’t tell me men get it too because one dimple on your thigh does not equal the shit storm of what’s happening on my ass which lowered down to my thighs at forty and is now floating dangerously close to the back of my knees now that I’m in my fifties. Fuck – I’m in my fifties. When did that happen? These days it seems like the second you turn fifty, every month of a woman’s life is equivalent to a dog year which is equivalent to 7 years of a human life. I don’t know if I did the math right but I’m sure it all adds up to the same thing – aging sucks – and the ability to not smother my feelings with pan fried dumplings isn’t helping matters. If slippery shrimp were the gateway to weight loss wouldn’t life be just a little bit better? Why is everything delicious sending me back to the closet in my guest room where the fat pants live? Isn’t this something God could fix if he loved me and yes – I believe that the person who floats above me in the sky is a dude. They’d never give a woman that job. We’re far too emotional to decide who gets to live and die especially if you asked us on one of those days where we think everyone should die which is like Monday through Sunday. I’m sure God is however married to someone he passes all of his decisions through. I mean – the expression “behind every good man…” has to have started somewhere right? If God were a woman wouldn’t we be the ones who get better with age? Wouldn’t men be saddled with sanitary napkins which by the way is an oxymoron and if God were a woman do you think the price of giving birth to a child would be a lifelong case of hemorrhoids? If that’s not the cruelest joke ever I don’t know what is. Didn’t we just shove a giant watermelon out a pea sized hole? Did we just make you a carbon copy of your mouth breathing self in our bellies? Did we not just hand you a small you? Did we really need to get something on our butts that never goes away that makes it impossible to sit on anything other than a rubber donut which is not a good look when you’re running a company. At least after giving birth women have a good reason to finally just say no to anal sex. Nobody needs to see that and quite frankly – that ramp is closed. Mines an exit only. I closed it after the first time a guy said – sorry wrong hole, I made a mistake. Really? No one makes that mistake. That’s a carefully planned attempted entrance. You’re a fucking liar. But the truth of the matter is if God were a woman cake would be zero calories and I know I’m not alone in my love of cake because just last night while enjoying a plate of food I should have just stuck directly to my ass without ingesting because that’s where it will end up – my friend Maria said the smartest thing ever. She said – “never put cake in the refrigerator. If you can’t finish it – it’s your fault. Don’t blame the cake.” I hope the first woman who runs for President uses “don’t blame the cake” as her campaign slogan. She’ll get my vote. And we may not be able to get the job of God but if we could get some tits and a vagina running things in the white house I’m pretty sure I could get some cold sesame noodles that have zero calories and really isn’t that what life is about?

And if you haven’t already – please buy a copy of my book with more fucked up thoughts like this.

9 comments on “Don’t Blame The Cake

  • This is the first time I have felt the need to take exception. First, God is a woman. It’s just that women can be meaner to women than men can, so I think that is the source of your feeling slighted (or, persecuted). Second, we (men) have plenty of stuff going wrong with our bodies as we age: enlarged prostate, drooping ass, wrinkly old grey scrotum (not like when it was a wrinkly youthful non-grey scrotum), torn rotator cuff from being pack-mules to our women, and the list goes on. So, why would a man reject a woman with a little cellulite? Because he’s the wrong man for you. Also, I never understood heterosexual anal sex when there’s a perfectly good vagina right next door. Cunnilingus after anal sex almost assures a little Santorum in the mouth … and who wants that. And, what caring man doesn’t make sure his lady doesn’t get hers if she hasn’t already. As for the hemorrhoid, after breast reduction surgery hemorrhoid reduction surgery should be a breeze, So, except for the fact that it would probably Scotch your muse if you were to cheer up, cheer up. Cold sesame noodles are health food.

    • oh howard.. first of all god is not a woman and i know this because i’ve had many conversations with him and his voice is too deep to be a girl. second of all – i am actually the most cheerful person i know – but i’m realistic – and that sounds crabby – so – please know that if i cheer up in your terms the blog is dead. hahahahahahhahaha. carry on. cold sesame noodles are lumps of flour smothered in peanut butter. healthy? hmmmm not sure

    • Well Howard, with respect of course I cannot refrain from chiming in to state that your examples of what men have to suffer through made me majorly chuckle….those absolutely pale in comparison! And p.s. Heidi actually IS amazingly cheerful and is someone whose ‘light’ you always sense when around her, so, that ought to be known 😉
      Anyway, sorry about the wrinkly scrotums but we women will just be over here keeled over from the pain of excruciating cramps every….darn….month. 🙂 hahaha

  • Keep streaming those crazy thoughts old friend, I love what you’ve turned into. thank god I’m on the east coast. Love you !!

  • You are the funny, you make my day,week, year..I’m 70 and still dealing with all this ” looks shit”. I guessI still think I’m 40, I was last week…

    Sent from my iPad

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