Let Your Tit Flags Fly

Published May 29, 2014 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Yesterday while the rest of you lazy fucks were sitting around doing nothing with your lives and making no headway whatsoever in the human struggle – a young celebrity child was out there doing the unthinkable in the name of – well actually I’m not sure what it was in the name of – but Scout Willis was out there flashing her fun bags for something important!!! Now, to tell the truth, I don’t know what the big deal is about Scout whipping her boobs out in NYC. I did this for years in just about every bar in the city and no one seemed to give a shit. But Scout is actually trying to make a point with her boob flashing where as mine was more of a “hey I’m drunk check my tits out” point. I guess it’s unacceptable to show your boobs on instagram and she wants breast cancer survivors and breast feeding mothers to be able to bare all on the Facebook site. It’s a “Freedom of Boob” Act and I’m sorry but it seems like there could be way better things to do with her time.
However, the more important thing to come from this so called shocking display of a celebrity boob is that I had no idea it was perfectly legal to show your tits in public in New York City. Yes, it’s totally okay to flit around with your nips out while taking a bus, hailing a cab, picking up some strawberries, or walking around that High Line area that I do not understand at all – it’s a park built on a highway? No, not getting it. But yes, it’s legal for women to be topless in New York City and now Scout has unleashed what may be a hideous new trend in New York because let me tell you what happens when nudity is deemed okay – all of the ugly people in the world get naked – not the hot ones. Have you ever noticed who’s in a nudist colony? Not one hottie. Not one Supermodel. It’s all a bunch of hideous hairy fatties that no one wants to see naked. Dam you Scout!!! I’m praying her little act of putting her breast foot forward quietly goes away and no one starts following her lead. She’s adorable but trust me – she’s the last of her kind to bare all and she’ll be copied by a parade of fleshy flops no one wants to see.

In case you’re wondering where else you can go let your tit flags fly – here’s a list.

Asheville, NC
Austin, TX,
Boulder, CO
Columbus, OH
Eugene, OR
Honolulu, HI
Keene, NH
Key West, FL at Fantasy Fest
Madison, WI,
New Orleans, LA, at Mardi Gras
New York City
Portland, Or,
Santa Fe, NM
South Miami Beach, FL (on the beach)
Washington, DC

Not on the list? Los Angeles. Home of the best boobs in the world – because we buy them here. Feel free to visit these cities and unleash your mammories on mankind. Just let me know you’re going to be there because I don’t need to see that. I don’t need to see your boobs anywhere. I also don’t need to see anyones penis. So keep your pants on America.

4 comments on “Let Your Tit Flags Fly

  • Also not on the list is Boca Raton, FL. Boca is breast known as the home of Boca Bitches and their Boca Boobs, the breast that money can buy east of LA (both the bitches and the boobs). There is (or was) a famed plastic surgeon in Boca, a Dr. Zuba. He was thanked by one and all for his mass productions of Zuba Tits. Not so appreciative are those of us who have to view over-plumped lips and over stretched faces with their signature perma-grimace. And, yes, I will keep my pants on. The faces-never-seen-in-nature scare the lead out of my pencil.

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