Period. The End. Enough Already.

Published May 20, 2014 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

It seems the rumors of my dead vagina have been greatly exaggerated. It’s still breathing… or in this case – bleeding. After a year long hibernation – the angry beast that lives in my underpants came back to life and started menstruating again. It was just a little spotting at first and then for two months in a row – it was a full on punctuation – the dreaded period. So I did the unthinkable – I went back to the gynecologist.
Now a trip to my gynecologist is like dropping acid and waking up inside a cartoon. You see, she has a little bit of an addiction to frogs and by addiction I mean if she wasn’t the best gynecologist in Los Angeles she would totally be arrested for being completely bat shit bananas. Every single solitary inch of her office and all of the exam rooms are covered in frogs. Frog paintings, frog sculptures, stuffed frogs, blow up frogs, glow in the dark frogs, every single solitary fucking frog that’s ever been made on the face of this earth is in that office and staring at me and my vagina while I’m getting a pap smear. Why couldn’t she have a John Hamm obsession? I’d be fine if he were staring at me in my paper dress. And by the way – can we not fucking update the paper dress? Seriously? Who’s in charge of this? Men?
Anyway, I went to see the doc and she said – well it’s post menopausal bleeding which isn’t good so let me get up there and see whats going on. So in the stirrups we go and she yanks me down to the end of the table and then she does what she always does – she has a full on conversation with me about bull shit while my vagina is in her face. It’s beyond random. “So, how’s everything with you? How’ve you been?” “Uhhhh, super.” The conversation went on for a ridiculous amount of time and all I kept thinking was – god I really should have gotten waxed I mean I know it’s just my gyno but it’s really getting out of hand down there and just when I’m lost in thought trying to distract myself from what’s happening – Bam! – in goes that steel shoe horn and it’s all over but the screaming. I mean – maybe it doesn’t hurt you people but my vagina is like that death road in Bolivia. Sure people want to travel on it but it’s treacherous and few are tough enough to try it and the lack of use has left it a little overgrown so to speak. She told me that she had to get in there and cut something to biopsy and make sure I didn’t have cervical cancer. Perfect. It was really fucking painful. “Are you drilling for something?” I shouted. She laughed. Not funny. It felt like her hand was weed whacking it’s way through my overgrown vagina. Jesus talk about Grey Gardens. Eventually she removed something from what felt like the roof of my mouth, gave me some pills, and sent me on my way. She said to take the pills for a week and it would simulate a D&C. If you don’t know what that is. Congratulations. It’s hideous. She also laughed in my face when I said “I guess I should get some tampons.” “No no no too dry. You need pads.” Perfect. Kill me.
So I went home – took the pills for a week – and nothing. Then – the first morning I woke up with no pills to take – it happened. A blood bath. I gave birth to a four hundred pound blood baby in my favorite pajamas.
It’s been four days now and the bleeding hasn’t slowed down. My doctor said this is normal. I’m ruining all of my brand new period free panties and those giant pads don’t look sexy inside my cute dresses. I hope it ends soon. I’ve already done two tv appearances with a cotton wad shoved between my legs. Not cool. So if you want to make a gal feel better about walking around in a bloody world – please buy her book.

2 comments on “Period. The End. Enough Already.

  • Dear Heidi,

    Welcome to my world.
    Yes, you are not alone. This wonderful erratic bleeding stayed with me until I was 58 –

    Hang there, it will stop. The option is a hysterectomy and then you run the risk of your bladder dropping and instead of wearing pads, you’ll wear Depends.

    I didn’t sign up for this old age crap either and I am fighting it tooth and nail. So glad to hear you are, too. Oh by the way – I am reading your book. Congrats and Well Done!


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