Squatter’s Rights

Published May 14, 2014 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

“I JUST WANT TO SHIT.” That was the text from my sister at 9:36pm last night.

Perhaps I should start this from the beginning.

I am a huge Howard Stern. Back in the early nineties I actually went on the Nutrisystem Diet because Howard would have girls in studio once a week to promote the diet. They were live commercials. Jennifer Aniston was a Nutrisystem girl on the show back in the day – before she was “the Jennifer Aniston.” I went on the diet and Bam! – the woman who ran my local place asked me to go on the show and promote the delicious cardboard like food. I did. It is to this day one of the highlights of my life. He was the nicest, smartest, coolest person in the world. So when Howard recently started talking about his love affair with the Squatty Potty – I thought – I must need this – I too – love to talk about poop and in fact – I may be a poop-aholic. The concept of the Squatty Potty is – we as humans need to be pooping the way we did back in cave times – by squatting. Sitting down is apparently bunching up my colon and is not the proper way to eliminate. Now normally I enjoy any excuse to throw good money down the drain or in this case down the toilet but I thought I’d try the idea first. So I put my feet up on a garbage can in my bathroom. It worked! It was a miracle! My poop was now riding the super highway to Flush City!! But still – I didn’t purchase. It seemed like it might be an embarrassing purchase – like a handrail for my tub or a seat for my shower. I told my niece about it while on a trip to Turks and Caicos. We watched the video. It was set to classical music and really made taking a dump seem like a nice elegant thing. Still I didn’t purchase my potty. What if someone saw it when they came to my house? “Why do you have a stool in front of your toilet?” I looked at the Squatty Potty on line – lovingly. It came in an ugly plastic or a beautiful teak. Hmmmm, maybe this would make it seem more elegant. A wood shit helper? It was so pretty. It was calling to me. And then, a miracle happened. I mentioned my Squatty Potty obsession to my friend Becky who said “Oh, I have one of those. A friend gave me one to review for a magazine. It’s the teak one.” What!!!!!!!!!!! The heavens opened and birds sang. I did spend a second wondering if it was used and if that mattered. I mean – she didn’t actually poop ON it. Or did she? Unfortunately I wasn’t home when Becky delivered the squatty potty so she left it in front of my house for all of my neighbors to see. “Oh she has shit issues. Sad.” But I put that thing under my toilet and have been addicted ever since.

I told my sister about it. We watched the romantic evacuation video together. She ordered her Squatty Potty. It came yesterday in the mail. Then came the texts….

First a photo of all the pieces and instructions on how to put it together.
“Ugh, don’t want to have to put my poop shoot together but here I go.”
Two seconds later.
“Already challenged.”
Two seconds later and two more photos.
“Wait, which kind of slant do I want? Options are forward slant toes lower then heels or backward slant heels lower than toes WTF.”

I sent her a picture of mine.

Two seconds later.
“I JUST WANT TO SHIT.”
Two seconds later.
“Fuck.”
Two seconds later.
“Is it no longer sexy to ask your husband of almost 20 years to put your shitter together? What if he’s watching his favorite TV show and you call him to the bathroom?”
Two seconds later.
“Girls who get Chanel diamond encrusted broaches should not have to assemble any kind of contraption associated with taking a shit. Even if it means putting oneself in the ideal position for defacation.”
Two seconds later another photo showing bolts.
“Screwed.”
Two seconds later.
“I can make clothes so surely I can figure out what angle my pooper should be.”
Two seconds later.
“I think I’m going toes up.”
Two seconds later.
“Were you timing me? This better drastically improve my movements.”
And then finally – her finished photo and this.
“Assume the position. And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.”

I haven’t heard if she likes it or not. But I mean – who wouldn’t? As for my Squatty Potty – the young man who’s one of the stars of my show used my bathroom the other day and didn’t seem to notice it. Then again – he may be just too embarrassed to ask what it is and thinks I’m so old I need help climbing up to my toilet. I’m not asking. I’m just gonna keep squatty pottying.

DON’T FORGET TO ORDER YOUR COPY OF WELCOME TO HEIDI… IT’S THE SHIT.

http://www.amazon.com/Welcome-To-Heidi-Clements/dp/0692216847/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399741616&sr=8-1&keywords=heidi+clements

6 comments on “Squatter’s Rights

  • When I was a young man, a very very long time ago, my father told me that I would know that the honeymoon was over when my wife came in to poop while I was shaving. I now know there are other indicators.

    There is a competitive product called the Step and Go. I wonder if they make a product called the Happy Crappy.

    May the flush be with you.

  • I CANNOT believe I have just spent the last 10 minutes reading about the benefits of Squatty Potty at 3 am Uk time!! That was after discovering my near incontinence whilst hysterically reading your blog entry Squatters Rights (after catching up on missed blog entries rather than counting sheep!) and pondering the Squatty Potty concept! I had to check the date on my iPad, your blog AND the SP article looking for April 1st, but no, it seems to be genuine, and yes – I’m gonna have to try it – moreover I’m thinking of how to convince my 3 yr old grandson that instead of using his loo step as a step, it’s a wouldbe SP, as I spent yesterday trying to convince him that the act of pooing should take place ON the toilet, rather than screaming – ‘my poos coming out ‘then running to the toilet hoping to get there in time!! (In vain I must add) Will report on outcome of experiment!!

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