Every time I go to the nail salon and am greeted by a beautiful young Asian girl who barely speaks English I think – you could totally fuck your way out of this shit hole. Men are obsessed with Asian girls – and I totally get why – they have everything I want – straight hair, small boobs, narrow hips. Done. Finito. Stick a fork in it. And speaking of forks – they also have the ability to eat rice without gaining weight which quite frankly outweighs all the other stuff – except maybe the hair – but you’d have to be Jewish to understand that obsession. I’m going to Florida tomorrow and there isn’t enough anti humidity hair spray in all of the land to make it possible for me to leave the house without looking like Melanie Griffith in Working Girl when she was pushing that steam table around the office party.
Yesterday however, my nail girl (so bougie) said something to me that I wish applied to all areas of life. “Five more minute, five more dollar.” She was referring to my feet and telling me that if I wanted five more minutes of foot massaging it would cost me five more dollars. Sign me the fuck up. And while we’re at it – what else can I get five more minutes of for the low low low price of five dollars? Wouldn’t it be great if everything you wanted five more minutes of cost just five dollars? Here are a few things I’d like five more minutes with:
1. The “House of Cards” finale.
2. The Oral Sex I had from that model in 1996.
3. The conversation I had with John Hamm at a party three years ago.
4. My dog Zoey.
5. Every hideous answering machine message I left for someone while drunk so I could dial back in and erase it.
What would life be like if we actually had to pay for our time here? Well first of all – I’d be dead – because I spent all of my life money on shoes. But it does make you think. If we had to pay for our time here would we appreciate it more? There are 1440 minutes in every day – so If everyone had to pay one dollar for every minute of every day – I think that day would become that much more important. So, I’m going to live today like it cost me $1,440.00. I’m going to start at the mall. I saw some shoes I want. And yes, I had to look up how many minutes are in a day. Fuck you.