I See Your Nads and I Raise You Two

Published February 2, 2014 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

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When it comes to sex, I consider myself to be a fairly well adjusted person and by fairly I mean – I don’t run screaming from the room if a man takes his pants off. (At least not every time.) I believe this is due to one simple thing. I never saw my parents naked. This however, all changed last night when I saw someone else’s parents naked on what can only very loosely be called a television show aptly named, “Buying Naked.” At first I thought I was watching Saturday Night Live because there is no way anyone would have made this into a television show. And then I remembered I live in America where everything is a reality show and you can become famous for killing ducks or farming with Amish people or being a chubby little beauty queen with a catchphrase and a mother who looks like a thumb.
I watched Buying Naked for quite a few minutes. Granted, I was high. Every time the naked people appeared on camera there would be a vase or lamp placed perfectly in front of their naughty bits. Fine. I get it. It’s Benny Hill in a realtor show. Whatever. But what I couldn’t stop thinking about was the poor people who owned the house who probably never knew that old man ass cheeks would be touching their couch that day. I bet nobody told Betty & Bob TryingToSellMyHouse that someone else’s boobs would be brushing up against their lovely wall paper or that fingers that touched gonad flesh would be touching their light sockets. But most importantly I couldn’t help but think – I can’t believe I don’t have a television show and this elderly epidermis loving loon does. So, today I will be sitting in front of my computer – nude. I’m strapping a camera to Peaches back and I’m calling the show “Writing Naked.”

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