The Bikini Incident

Published December 14, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

In 16 days and hopefully 10 pounds – I will be heading to Turks & Caicos with my family. If you’re planning on burgling my home – don’t bother – my dogs will still be in my house and yes – they will eat you. I was super excited about this vacation until I had this innocent little conversation with a friend about bikinis.

Me: “I can’t have cake today. I have to get in a bikini in two weeks.”
Him: “A bikini? Why?”
Me: “Well I’m going on a vacation.”
Him: “But why a bikini? How about a nice one piece.”
Me: “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Him: “At a certain age, women need to stop wearing bikinis. Why not a nice one piece with a skirt.”
Me: “I bet you didn’t think tonight was the night you would die.”

Now, I am aware that there are certain items in my closet that I should no longer wear. Items that are reserved for much younger women like tutu’s and knee socks and there are days where I certainly push the borders on those items and wear them anyway but this whole bikini thing is too much. I mean – I just got bikini boobs and now I’m too old to wear a bikini? I had no idea. I bought out the j crew website of bikini’s for this vacation. I thought I just had to knock off ten pounds not twenty years. A skirt? I need a bathing suit with a skirt? Fuck me this can’t be happening!!!! I mean, I know I’m currently way out of shape but am I suddenly one of those women who’s going to upset people on the beach? Are other people going to point at me and say things I point and say about them – “whoa, does that bitch own a mirror. She needs to find a one piece.” I mean, I don’t want to upset anyone. I guess the fact that I will allow no pictures to be taken of me whilst in my bikini should be a sign but when did my world become the cruel world it is to other old bitches? When did I become too old to wear a bikini?
I’ll be shopping for one piece suits today.
But I’ll be dammed if I’m getting a fucking swim skirt.

2 comments on “The Bikini Incident

  • Heidi, get the tiniest you can. Me fabric is not better. I am in security to fly to la as I write thIs. WIth a bikini in my csrry on. For la. Screw em. Wear as little as pOssible and flaunt it. You got it. The great thing about tHis age is who cares? ??? We look great. Period.

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