In 16 days and hopefully 10 pounds – I will be heading to Turks & Caicos with my family. If you’re planning on burgling my home – don’t bother – my dogs will still be in my house and yes – they will eat you. I was super excited about this vacation until I had this innocent little conversation with a friend about bikinis.
Me: “I can’t have cake today. I have to get in a bikini in two weeks.”
Him: “A bikini? Why?”
Me: “Well I’m going on a vacation.”
Him: “But why a bikini? How about a nice one piece.”
Me: “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Him: “At a certain age, women need to stop wearing bikinis. Why not a nice one piece with a skirt.”
Me: “I bet you didn’t think tonight was the night you would die.”
Now, I am aware that there are certain items in my closet that I should no longer wear. Items that are reserved for much younger women like tutu’s and knee socks and there are days where I certainly push the borders on those items and wear them anyway but this whole bikini thing is too much. I mean – I just got bikini boobs and now I’m too old to wear a bikini? I had no idea. I bought out the j crew website of bikini’s for this vacation. I thought I just had to knock off ten pounds not twenty years. A skirt? I need a bathing suit with a skirt? Fuck me this can’t be happening!!!! I mean, I know I’m currently way out of shape but am I suddenly one of those women who’s going to upset people on the beach? Are other people going to point at me and say things I point and say about them – “whoa, does that bitch own a mirror. She needs to find a one piece.” I mean, I don’t want to upset anyone. I guess the fact that I will allow no pictures to be taken of me whilst in my bikini should be a sign but when did my world become the cruel world it is to other old bitches? When did I become too old to wear a bikini?
I’ll be shopping for one piece suits today.
But I’ll be dammed if I’m getting a fucking swim skirt.