The Upshot of Shit

Published December 8, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I haven’t done anything stupid in days. Entire blocks of hours have passed without anything dumb or crazy or Heidi happening to me. Most people would consider this a fine “how do you do” but not me. When nothing happens it means there’s nothing to put on the page – and that is problematic because that’s when the regular thoughts jumble up the inside of my brain and make me start thinking about normal things like – “fuck I’m going to die alone” – instead of “shit my oven is locked and now I can’t make a peach cobbler that I don’t know how to make.” Instead of “Hey I wonder if Marijuana tea would help me sleep” it’s “Hey, am I going to keel over from a heart attack and die before accomplishing what I want to accomplish and they’ll find me with half of my face eaten off by my Chihuahua?” See, it’s bad when I don’t do stupid thing. That’s when normal things are free to enter my head and roam around and kick up scary dust. Other retarded things are out there happening – and they’re not happening to me. I did get some really good news. My neighbor, who is a hideous bitch because she kicked my dog Peaches in the face when she thought Peaches was going to bite her and ended up biting her but only after she got kicked and the woman drove me insane for a year and told all of my neighbors that my dog is a monster which she isn’t, well that neighbors second husband – left her. So that was cool. Karma’s a bitch, a bigger bitch than my neighbor. I decided to look at some things I’ve written and see if anything has changed on those fronts and sort of update myself on my life so here goes:

1. My oven is still locked. They are coming again next weekend. I am not hopeful.
2. My boobs are smaller but the left one doesn’t look as good as the right one.
3. I am sleeping better thanks to the use of silicone earplugs, a television with a sleeper shut off and an eye mask. I am 100 years old.
4. I pee less during the night than I used to.
5. I still don’t think it’s cool to poop at a friend’s house or a restaurant.

Huh? Turns out I’ve been writing about nothing. Sorry.

2 comments on “The Upshot of Shit

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