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All posts for the month December, 2013

The Bikini Incident

Published December 14, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

In 16 days and hopefully 10 pounds – I will be heading to Turks & Caicos with my family. If you’re planning on burgling my home – don’t bother – my dogs will still be in my house and yes – they will eat you. I was super excited about this vacation until I had this innocent little conversation with a friend about bikinis.

Me: “I can’t have cake today. I have to get in a bikini in two weeks.”
Him: “A bikini? Why?”
Me: “Well I’m going on a vacation.”
Him: “But why a bikini? How about a nice one piece.”
Me: “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Him: “At a certain age, women need to stop wearing bikinis. Why not a nice one piece with a skirt.”
Me: “I bet you didn’t think tonight was the night you would die.”

Now, I am aware that there are certain items in my closet that I should no longer wear. Items that are reserved for much younger women like tutu’s and knee socks and there are days where I certainly push the borders on those items and wear them anyway but this whole bikini thing is too much. I mean – I just got bikini boobs and now I’m too old to wear a bikini? I had no idea. I bought out the j crew website of bikini’s for this vacation. I thought I just had to knock off ten pounds not twenty years. A skirt? I need a bathing suit with a skirt? Fuck me this can’t be happening!!!! I mean, I know I’m currently way out of shape but am I suddenly one of those women who’s going to upset people on the beach? Are other people going to point at me and say things I point and say about them – “whoa, does that bitch own a mirror. She needs to find a one piece.” I mean, I don’t want to upset anyone. I guess the fact that I will allow no pictures to be taken of me whilst in my bikini should be a sign but when did my world become the cruel world it is to other old bitches? When did I become too old to wear a bikini?
I’ll be shopping for one piece suits today.
But I’ll be dammed if I’m getting a fucking swim skirt.

The Upshot of Shit

Published December 8, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I haven’t done anything stupid in days. Entire blocks of hours have passed without anything dumb or crazy or Heidi happening to me. Most people would consider this a fine “how do you do” but not me. When nothing happens it means there’s nothing to put on the page – and that is problematic because that’s when the regular thoughts jumble up the inside of my brain and make me start thinking about normal things like – “fuck I’m going to die alone” – instead of “shit my oven is locked and now I can’t make a peach cobbler that I don’t know how to make.” Instead of “Hey I wonder if Marijuana tea would help me sleep” it’s “Hey, am I going to keel over from a heart attack and die before accomplishing what I want to accomplish and they’ll find me with half of my face eaten off by my Chihuahua?” See, it’s bad when I don’t do stupid thing. That’s when normal things are free to enter my head and roam around and kick up scary dust. Other retarded things are out there happening – and they’re not happening to me. I did get some really good news. My neighbor, who is a hideous bitch because she kicked my dog Peaches in the face when she thought Peaches was going to bite her and ended up biting her but only after she got kicked and the woman drove me insane for a year and told all of my neighbors that my dog is a monster which she isn’t, well that neighbors second husband – left her. So that was cool. Karma’s a bitch, a bigger bitch than my neighbor. I decided to look at some things I’ve written and see if anything has changed on those fronts and sort of update myself on my life so here goes:

1. My oven is still locked. They are coming again next weekend. I am not hopeful.
2. My boobs are smaller but the left one doesn’t look as good as the right one.
3. I am sleeping better thanks to the use of silicone earplugs, a television with a sleeper shut off and an eye mask. I am 100 years old.
4. I pee less during the night than I used to.
5. I still don’t think it’s cool to poop at a friend’s house or a restaurant.

Huh? Turns out I’ve been writing about nothing. Sorry.