Fart Blanche

Published August 25, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I like to burp. Out loud. As loud as possible. And hopefully, if I’m with the right kind of people, have those people – grade those burps – on a scale of 1 to 10 – ten being the best – obvi. I am not embarrassed by the belch. Even the words for the action are funny. I enjoy letting funny words come out of my mouth – so why not a burp? The truth is, I am almost incapable of holding a burp in. I’ve tried it, but it’s just so unsatisfying and quite frankly, so unnatural. Holding in a burp, to me, is kind of gross. Why should I have all that whatever that is trapped in my mouth. Yuck feh. To me, the sound of someone holding in a burp is completely disgusting. Old gassy people do that. I’m not an old gassy person. Yet. Any day now. Ew. I’m not kissing that. It’s still in there. Floating around. Dancing on your tongue. It seems to me that burps should get out – be given a gas-port, and be set free – let loose into the world – to bubble off and drift somewhere over someone else and maybe make that someone else laugh, even though they didn’t even hear it. If I want to have a really good time with a burp – I will drink a soda. I try not to do this too often because it is rather disturbing. Nothing can explain the level of noise that comes out of my mouth after carbonation has entered. My friend Ben always pretends to clean his classes off after I’ve set a soda burp free – like he just got splashed in the face with mud after a truck drove by. I found out the other day that my friend Joshua can burp on command. I find nothing cooler. It is, in fact, one of the things I wish I could do. Everyone tells me it’s easy. Just swallow air. I’ve tried. I’ve failed. It’s not that easy. If it were, wouldn’t everyone do it? If I could burp actual words – I would know the full experience of being the coolest person on the planet.
Oddly enough, the same rules do not apply when it comes to the other end of gas – the ass – or, the cute little word we’ve given it – the fart. This is a sound that should never be heard in public – and if it is – and heard from my behind – I would die a thousand deaths. I do not want my wind blowing in the… well… wind. Setting a fart free is not cute, funny, and should most definitely not be graded. But I wonder why that is? Why do we not have “fart blanche?” While I love to ingest things that make me burp, I quickly cross off things that make butt wind, especially since as I get older, controlling that end, seems to be more difficult. If you walk into my house in the morning – you will quite possibly hear the 1812 Overture – and yes – it is satisfying – but it is also hideous. People tell me stories all the time about having to fart on a date – and how they’ve managed to quietly do it and get away with it, except for one friend, who let one fly after his date got in the car then accidentally pulled the fart into the car after him as he quickly tried to close his door behind him. There’s a lot of work involved in keeping flatulence bottled up. Maybe it’s time to lift the ban on ass gas and start grading the sounds that escape us when we least expect it. You guys go first. Tell me how it goes.

3 comments on “Fart Blanche

  • I share your enjoyment with a powerful ” Ralph” after drinking something with bubbles. My children did not appreciate my talent. HOWEVER…. my 5 year old grandson thinks it’s the best ! He called me with such excitement this weekend because he ‘ DID IT!”. He Ralphed at the table. My son won’t let me see the kids anymore !

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