Recently, I found out that my backyard neighbor is an extremely accomplished DJ. I’m pretty sure his name is BevMo. But I could be wrong. Because I am 100 years old. Bevmo travels around the world mixing his unlistenable music with other peoples unlistenable music and stands on a stage as he blends together these two unmelodious melodies for tens of thousands of people. People love this guy. He’s a music god. And I’m not gonna lie – he’s very very sexy. But I am officially at the age where his music is the sound that makes me say “can someone turn that down?” He makes 14 million dollars a year. And that is an assload of money. Which is ironic because that is exactly what Bevmo is known for… the ass… or TWERKING. And for those of you who just said – what’s that? – just look at what Miley Cyrus did to Robin Thicke’s crotch at the VMA’S and you’ll know. The official definition of twerking is “to dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.” I think it’s like a reverse Elvis Presley? Or the twist with a twist? All I know is, I’m not gonna be doing that. Twerking is what people with cellulite DON’T DO. It is also a word that has been added to the Oxford Dictionary. And for that, I am ashamed. Not that I’m old, but that we’re dumb. I love our millennials and all but if they could cut back on the dopey phrases I find myself even using – maybe Oxford could cut back on the asinine additions to the dictionary. Like these:
• cake pop
Really? Are we going to put every retarded food item we come up with in the dictionary? I’d like to add CroNut.
• FOMO, n.: fear of missing out:
I haven’t even heard this one. Does that mean I’m fomo?! Oh fuck no!
• guac, n.: guacamole.
You lazy fucks.
• MOOC, n.: a course of study made available over the Internet without charge to a very large number of people.
Uhm. No idea what you’re talking about.
•omnishambles, n. (informal): a situation that has been comprehensively mismanaged, characterized by a string of blunders and miscalculations.
Huh? Say it again slower.
• phablet, n.: a smartphone having a screen which is intermediate in size between that of a typical smartphone and a tablet computer.
No one is fucking using this.
• selfie, n. (informal): a photograph that one has taken of oneself.
Erg. Annoying. We even wrote this one in a script. Double Erg.
• space tourism, n.: the practice of travelling into space for recreational purposes.
Okay seriously shut the fuck up.
• vom, v. & n. (informal): (be) sick; vomit.
As in what this entire list makes me want to do.
As a writer I always hope to influence people, and sometimes even make up words that will one day make it into the lexicon of the universe. I had truly hoped that word would be FuckTard. But I didn’t get credit for it back when I started using it so…. I’m working on a new word. It may even have it’s own dance. Stay tuned.