What started as a lovely Sunday morning of drinking coffee, adding to cart, and writing, has suddenly taken a turn for the worse thanks to an article a friend just posted on Facebook. It’s called “The top ten feelings to feel before you die” and it turns out – I have a slim to none chance of doing most of them. This was more upsetting to me than finding out Whitney Cummings is dating Peter Berg and trust me – that was fucking upsetting. Here is the list:
#1 – The feeling of holding your newborn for the first time. Fuck you. Not happening. Dead eggs.
#2 – The feeling of kissing your husband or wife on your wedding day. At this point – kissing my wife is a more likely outcome and I’m not gay.
#3 – The feeling of proposing marriage or saying yes to a marriage proposal. We’ll see about this one but quite frankly I’d sooner say yes to another breast reduction.
#4 – The feeling of holding your grandchild. See #1
#5 – The feeling of telling off your boss. Yay I did this one. Twice!
#6 – The feeling of having your heart broken. Why do we need this one? Feh. Been there done that bought the t shirt still wearing it don’t like it.
#7 – The feeling of watching your child take his or her first step. See #1 and #4 and BT Dubs – fuck you again.
#8 – The feeling of being hated for no reason. Yeah, not really into this. I’d like to switch this one out for – the feeling of having no hate. We good? Good.
#9 – The feeling of caring for your parents. Seems a little on the nose to me.
#10 – The feeling of kissing the one you’re in love with. If this includes dogs – super. Otherwise – quit it already.
The amount of things on this list that I won’t be able to complete is mind boggling. Does this mean I am set to live an unhappy second half of my life? Why must I constantly be reminded what a failure I am for not having children and getting married? Am I dead inside? According to this list – I will be soon. Look people, I am well aware that I may wake up one day and look around me and only see shoes and think – shit – I should have bought something else – like a husband and a family but – there isn’t much I can do about that. So I’d like to offer a different list of feelings I think people should feel before they die.
#1 – The feeling that you truly like yourself and won’t be with someone unless they respect you as much as you respect yourself.
#2 – The feeling that you can provide for yourself.
#3 – The feeling of getting your dream job and seeing people react to what you do.
#4 – The feeling that if everything stays exactly the way it is right now at this point in time – that you’ve led a good life.
#5 – The feeling that someone needs you – even if that someone is three dogs.
At the end of the day I get it. Making out is fun. Having someone in your life could be interesting. Children can be adorable. And a life without these things may not be in the cards. But come on – “different” makes the world go round. You feel me?