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All posts for the month May, 2013

Marketing Boobs

Published May 7, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I have my first post boob removal checkup today – which is good – because I think my right nipple has become detached. At least it feels that way. Other than that – I’ve had no pain. Well other than the shooting one under my left armpit.  Oh and the one in my right collar bone. Oh and the one from the bra that feels like its stabbing me in the rib. Oh and the one that feels like my lungs have been removed. Other than that – nothing.  Totally good. Oh and the sleeping part is weird.  Other than that – I’m fine.  Really.  I have noticed that every single television show and commercial since the funbag flee of 2013 has been focused on boobs.  Last night on RHOC – yes I watch it don’t hate me – one of the women said that her boobs were a hot mess since she breast fed her children.  The other woman suggested an implant since after all her husband is a plastic surgeon.  This was a terrible idea to her.  So the friend said “If you want to be flat chested and eat at good restaurants go to New York.”  And boom, there it was.  The single most truthful thing anyone has ever said on television ever – well at least said on any Real Housewives show.  It’s true.  New York women don’t give a fuck about this shit.  My entire self examination and fashion obsession started right here in good old Hollywood – home of “is that yours” added to the end of any compliment. Nice hair – is that yours?  My mother said to me – “I finally realized why you have such a shoe obsession – it makes people look down instead of up.”  Yes!  Thank you mom.  It’s not easy living here in SoCal but is has worked for me.  It has turned me into a plastic surgeon expert – as in – I’m not touching any of my wrinkles because they look even weirder after you pull them somewhere back behind your head in a skin ponytail – and it’s made me more acceptable of aging. I realize it’s happening and am reminded of it every single day of my life.  But I do realize that there is a mass market available to advertisers that prey on women who are not comfortable with themselves and are desperately clinging to life as a chick or what they think being a chick is.  My friend JD posted such an ad this morning – BIC PENS FOR HER.  Yes it’s real. According to the ad the pens are an “elegant design with a “thin barrel to fit a women’s hand.” Plus, the pens come in pinks and purples, and “the occasional peach and turquoise.”  I’m guessing it’s only an occasion peach or turquoise because our heads would explode from too much goodness if it was an everyday thing. I don’t know about you ladies but I need a pen – just for her – so I can write how much I hate everyone – in an easier more elegant fashion.  And when I get angry at the men in my life – I can stab them in the eye with a colorful twist.  But this pen is not alone in the She Marketing world – Honda has also thrown it’s estrogen into the fembot ring with a pink car called “Fit.” Honda says it’s “adult cute” and even has pink accents like stitching and displays.  The car has an ultraviolet blocking windshield and a special air conditioning system aimed at stopping those wrinkles that “turn adult cute into just not adult.”  What the fuck are they talking about. I swear I am not making this shit up. The funniest thing about the car is that it’s called Fit which is the one thing most American women can’t do with that car – fit in it – since the country is grossly obese.  The final Her-ball in the throat of all this chick marketing is from Fujitsu and their new laptop – The Floral Kiss.  The computer comes from the female employees of Fujitsu who were asked to create a pc that women would find appealing.  They should have found one that delivers us shoes every time we turn it on.  But they didn’t. They created a laptop that features gold trim, zirconia adornments, a pearl like accented power button and a floral motif design for the vents. But perhaps it’s most important feature is its flip latch that opens easily for users with long fingernails.  But wait there’s more insulting technology!!!  The laptop comes with special software for the ladies like “scrapbooking” , “daily horoscope” , and a “diary” application. Dear diary, why are people so fucking stupid. Listen you weird straight male marketing people – you may not know this yet or you’re too scared to admit it – but women are going to take over the world.  We have to. You keep fucking it up.