Jodie Foster Care

Published January 18, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

People are still buzzing about Jodie Foster’s Golden Globes speech and whether or not she should be congratulated or committed.  I mean, even Sally Field looked at her like she was nuts. So I’ve decided to fully analyze each statement – or to be more accurate – judge the fuck out of it as a fellow woman and post fifty year old and pick it apart sentence by sentence.  Quite frankly she lost me at “I’m Fifty!!!!” Shouting that out at a Hollywood event like it was a proud fucking accomplishment to look so amazing when you’re so old – her thoughts not mine – set women in the industry back about fifty years.

“Well, for all of you ‘SNL’ fans, I’m 50! I’m 50! You know, I need to do that without this dress on, but you know, maybe later at Trader Vic’s, boys and girls. What do you say? I’m 50! You know, I was going to bring my walker tonight but it just didn’t go with the cleavage.”

Uhm okay – so she was on SNL? Was she a regular on SNL? I’ll just skip that part. You look great and you’re old. We get it. By the way – fifty is not the new ninety. It’s just fifty. Calm the fuck down. Maybe shout that again at sixty.

I love you and Susan and I am so grateful that you continually talk me off the ledge when I go on and foam at the mouth and say, ‘I’m done with acting, I’m done with acting, I’m really done, I’m done, I’m done.’”

Where is Susan now? You are on a ledge. Get her to talk you off of it immediately.

I’m going to need your support on this. I am single. Yes I am, I am single. No, I’m kidding — but I mean I’m not really kidding, but I’m kind of kidding. I mean, thank you for the enthusiasm. Can I get a wolf whistle or something?”

A wolf whistle? Again with the “aren’t I hot?” Is someone out there telling Jodie Foster she’s a sea hag every day? Who needs this kind of affirmation? She’s gorgeous. I’ve heard celebrities can be a bit narcissistic but does she actually believe she’s the only fifty year old single female in the country?  Maybe Jodie should get on Match dot com.  Perhaps this is actually the first time Jodie Foster has ever been single.  Maybe she doesn’t know what being single entails? Maybe she thinks you get ostracized from society and your married friends don’t invite you to dinner parties and whatever sex you’re interested in stops looking at you in a sexual way.  On second thought – maybe she’s right to freak out.

 “But seriously, if you had been a public figure from the time that you were a toddler, if you’d had to fight for a life that felt real and honest and normal against all odds, then maybe you too might value privacy above all else. Privacy.”

Uhm Jodie – I have no problem giving you your privacy – but you’re the one talking about your hot bod, cleavage, being single and wanting to make out with Marion Cotillard while on microphone at a massive public event.  You could have just accepted the award and talked about your time in the film business… just saying.

…and of course, Mel Gibson. You know you save me too.”

 Really?

You see, Charlie and Kit, sometimes your mom loses it too.  

Something tells me they already know this.

 Jodie Foster was here, I still am, and I want to be seen, to be understood deeply and to be not so very lonely.

 Join the club Jodie, join the club.

4 comments on “Jodie Foster Care

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