All posts for the month January, 2013

Jodie Foster Care

Published January 18, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

People are still buzzing about Jodie Foster’s Golden Globes speech and whether or not she should be congratulated or committed.  I mean, even Sally Field looked at her like she was nuts. So I’ve decided to fully analyze each statement – or to be more accurate – judge the fuck out of it as a fellow woman and post fifty year old and pick it apart sentence by sentence.  Quite frankly she lost me at “I’m Fifty!!!!” Shouting that out at a Hollywood event like it was a proud fucking accomplishment to look so amazing when you’re so old – her thoughts not mine – set women in the industry back about fifty years.

“Well, for all of you ‘SNL’ fans, I’m 50! I’m 50! You know, I need to do that without this dress on, but you know, maybe later at Trader Vic’s, boys and girls. What do you say? I’m 50! You know, I was going to bring my walker tonight but it just didn’t go with the cleavage.”

Uhm okay – so she was on SNL? Was she a regular on SNL? I’ll just skip that part. You look great and you’re old. We get it. By the way – fifty is not the new ninety. It’s just fifty. Calm the fuck down. Maybe shout that again at sixty.

I love you and Susan and I am so grateful that you continually talk me off the ledge when I go on and foam at the mouth and say, ‘I’m done with acting, I’m done with acting, I’m really done, I’m done, I’m done.’”

Where is Susan now? You are on a ledge. Get her to talk you off of it immediately.

I’m going to need your support on this. I am single. Yes I am, I am single. No, I’m kidding — but I mean I’m not really kidding, but I’m kind of kidding. I mean, thank you for the enthusiasm. Can I get a wolf whistle or something?”

A wolf whistle? Again with the “aren’t I hot?” Is someone out there telling Jodie Foster she’s a sea hag every day? Who needs this kind of affirmation? She’s gorgeous. I’ve heard celebrities can be a bit narcissistic but does she actually believe she’s the only fifty year old single female in the country?  Maybe Jodie should get on Match dot com.  Perhaps this is actually the first time Jodie Foster has ever been single.  Maybe she doesn’t know what being single entails? Maybe she thinks you get ostracized from society and your married friends don’t invite you to dinner parties and whatever sex you’re interested in stops looking at you in a sexual way.  On second thought – maybe she’s right to freak out.

 “But seriously, if you had been a public figure from the time that you were a toddler, if you’d had to fight for a life that felt real and honest and normal against all odds, then maybe you too might value privacy above all else. Privacy.”

Uhm Jodie – I have no problem giving you your privacy – but you’re the one talking about your hot bod, cleavage, being single and wanting to make out with Marion Cotillard while on microphone at a massive public event.  You could have just accepted the award and talked about your time in the film business… just saying.

…and of course, Mel Gibson. You know you save me too.”


You see, Charlie and Kit, sometimes your mom loses it too.  

Something tells me they already know this.

 Jodie Foster was here, I still am, and I want to be seen, to be understood deeply and to be not so very lonely.

 Join the club Jodie, join the club.

Faking It

Published January 17, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I’ve heard of men doing a lot of stupid things in my day but faking an orgasm definitely tops the list.  A recent article in GQ magazine – also known as the Gay Vogue – described how men can fake an orgasm. They detailed how to pull it off so to speak with a girl which is hilarious because the only guys reading GQ that have sex with girls are guys having sex with someone who sounds like a girl and if there’s one thing I know about my self respecting gays it’s that they don’t do fake orgasms.  They don’t do fake anything.  But, however misplaced the article – it was interesting to think that straight men would fake ejaculating.  I mean – why? I hope they’re not doing it for us. God knows women could care less what you’re doing when you’re doing what you’re doing. Basically, we don’t care how it ends – we just want it to end.  We care about you coming about as much as you care about us coming. Sure you throw that question on the end of the act but we know you don’t really want us to answer and if we do you simply say – “sorry.” Find me a guy who cares if you came and I’ll find you a guy you’re on a first date with.  After that – it’s all over but the blah blah are you done yet.  I had a lot of sex this week with a certain very famous celebrity. I didn’t fake any of my orgasms and I don’t care if he faked his. I didn’t even bother asking him. It would have been hard – since he wasn’t there.

The Girl Is Gone

Published January 6, 2013 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

For the fourth time in the past two years – my blog has led to an old boyfriend finding me – and reminding me – that I have in fact – been loved.  I forget sometimes. I’m so very busy complaining that I haven’t – and rewriting the way history actually happened – that I never dated anyone – which I most certainly did. It’s easier to imagine that you’ve never really been in love because if you were once than you still would be now right?  Last night while trying to finish off the end of a 7 day head cold – I watched one of my favorite episodes of Sex & The City.  It was the one where Carrie was desperately trying to get Aidan back after they had broken up because she cheated on him with Mr. Big.  She looked at him standing on his stoop and said – you clearly still have feelings for me, why won’t you take me back – and he said – YOU BROKE MY HEART!  And she ran away. It was such a great moment in girl tv but it’s not really the way things play out for girls in real life.  First of all, no girl in their right mind would have ever left Aidan.  He was perfect.  I once met the actor who played him and reacted in such a bizarre girly way he just stood there and laughed at me – but in a cute Aidan way.  Usually however, it’s the girl saying you broke my heart to the guy who left them weeks, months, or years before and has now come back to say – wow I really fucked up – can we try this again.  Usually it’s the girl yelling those words to the guy who didn’t realize until it was too late – that she was awesome and amazing.  I’m sure I broke a heart or two but there were also many times it happened after mine was already broken – by that very same person.  This friend – I’ll call him Michael because that’s his name – reminded me that yes – he too had come back – and yes – I was already gone.  He’s still really handsome so that may have been a dumb move on my part though he’s also working at an airport in Iraq.  Not really a place I’d fit in. I don’t think I’d look good in a Burka but mostly because I don’t have the right shoes to go with one.  On the other hand, I have mastered the art of the fake eyelash so at least I know that part would look good peaking through the slit.  As you can see, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. But, when it comes to breakups for girls, once we’re done with you – we’re done – for good – unless we’re fake breaking up with you to get you to pay attention. This is also a pretty popular maneuver. One I was never good at. I don’t actually remember why we broke up or who broke up with whom but I remember that I was once again in a situation where I thought – I don’t think I should stand for this.  Yes, even in relationships I have always been Norma Rae – only I stand on the table and yell and then walk away.  I forget to make an actual point or an impact. But maybe I did.  Why after all, did this person wake up after thirty years of silence and say – today I’m going to find out whatever happened to Heidi Clements?  Maybe I have left my mark in the world of relationships if only to become the girl that boys didn’t forget.   If I’m the one they remember one morning while making tea over a hot plate in Kurdistan – I’m okay with that.