The Annual Suck It List

Published December 26, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

For the first time in a very long time – I am not curled up in a ball under the covers awaiting the New Year like a fresh coat of paint.  I am not shuffling around in my slippers moaning about how I can’t wait for the year to be over because it was a hot mess of moments I’d like to forget.  I am not listening to a constant loop of my own voice saying – next year will be better – next year will be better – god please let next year be better.  Yes, for the first time in a very long time I can honestly say – it’s been a good year. No, it’s been a great year.  In fact, as far as years go, 2012 was the fucking shit.  As the New Year approaches I look back in happiness and look forward with anticipation because now I know – everything doesn’t have to totally suck.  However, being that I am who I am 2012 isn’t going to get off that easy. There are still a few people, places, and things that need to go SUCK IT.

1. The bra lady who told me I was a 30G can suck my left one.

2. The muffin top that I can no longer suck in can suck it.

3. Girls who don’t like other girls can fuck off and suck it. In fact – if that show Girls doesn’t watch itself – it’s gonna suck it hard next year.

4. All of the agents in all of the land who don’t think I’m good enough to represent can watch the show I work on that was number 1 this summer – then shut it and suck it.

5. The pinkie toe I broke that can no longer be shoved into dozens of pairs of expensive shoes can suck it for showing me what an idiot I am for having the shoes in the first place.

6. If you’re only as old as you feel than all of my years over 32 can back off for a fucking second and then suck it.

7. Cancer – you’re gonna suck it forever.

8. People who hurt dogs or abandon them – you are all going to the capital of Suck It one day also known as Hell.

9. Guns – if you own one – suck on it.

10. People who bought their kids toy guns for Christmas – well I’d tell you to suck it but you are obviously too retarded to understand the words.

See! Short list. Quite frankly, I’m just too happy to concentrate on putting more items on the list.  As I exit the year however there was a moment last night that reminded me how far we’ve all fallen and how high we need to climb back up to get back to being the kinds of people I know we are.  Last night while eating chinese food after watching a movie – it was Christmas, that’s what Jews do – a homeless man started harassing people outside the restaurant. He was basically dancing around and shouting – but it’s Silver Lake so it sometimes this is considered street entertainment.  He was the most fashionable looking homeless man I’d ever seen.  He had long grey pigtails, a Christmas sweater and a skirt. In my neighborhood this is a fashionista not a person who sleeps in a garbage heap.  At some point I guess he became too scary and one of the patrons took him down to the ground and sat on him until the police came.  It was a very long time. Everyone in the restaurant got up to look – one person even videotaped it.  At the height of the melee I turned to my friend Vic, a little concerned for the man on the ground, and asked if she saw what the homeless person did to get put on the ground – and the waiter at my table answered for her – “More diet coke?”  It was the most perfectly timed lack of caring for another human being I’d ever seen. It was comical. I’m not saying anyone was right or wrong in the situation I’m just saying sometimes everyone needs to remember – YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE.

2 comments on “The Annual Suck It List

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