I Am So Totes Not Cool

Published December 4, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

When did everyone stop using full words?  I don’t know what anyone’s saying. I feel old and we all sound like idiots. “That’s totally amaze!” “She’s so emo.” “I am totes happy for you.” “That is def not happening.” “Well isn’t that obvi?” “OMG “WTF” Blah Blah what did you just say? Texting has crept over into speaking and apparently we no longer have time to use all the letters in the English language to have a conversation.  It feels like every word in the dictionary has been cut short and regurgitated in some new form of a word and I’m having a hard time keeping up.  It’s not enough that there’s an entire urban dictionary of words that mean new things like bodybooking, hornymoon and garbivore.  Look them up, they’re there.  Now we have to talk like we text.  Can’t we just text like tards and then talk normal later?  When people watch video of us thousands of years from now will they think we were speaking some foreign language? Cause we are. Will the reverse be happening by then and everyone will sound like a scene from Downton Abbey? We can’t possibly be so busy that we’re incapable of slowing down long enough to buy a vowel and a consonant. They’re not that expensive and I’ve seen what you’re up to – you can spare five minutes.  I feel sorry for people who have kids. They must be just exasperated at the end of a conversation – and utterly confused.  I’ve had more fulfilling chats with my homeless friend John and he only has two teeth in his head. He also noticed I bought a new car and changed my work hours so he’s kind of more attentive than most of the people in my life are anyway.

Have you ever noticed that homeless people are complete loners? They never travel in packs. They don’t hang out together – at all. I get why you’d be alone with your sign on a corner during the day – you don’t want any cash competition – but what about later – at night – when things slow down?  Wouldn’t this be a fine opportunity to make other homeless friends?  I can’t imagine how awful it must be to live on the street – especially if you have your wits about you and have just run into hard times – but facing this alone seems to suck even harder. I love people who say they don’t give homeless people money because they’ll use it to buy drugs or liquor. If anyone deserves to be out of their fucking minds high as a kite – it’s someone eating out of garbage cans and sleeping on cement – give them a fucking dollar.  Maybe they should form some kind of gang. They must have a lot to talk about.  I know John does.  And he uses all of his words.

3 comments on “I Am So Totes Not Cool

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