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All posts for the month December, 2012

The Annual Suck It List

Published December 26, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

For the first time in a very long time – I am not curled up in a ball under the covers awaiting the New Year like a fresh coat of paint.  I am not shuffling around in my slippers moaning about how I can’t wait for the year to be over because it was a hot mess of moments I’d like to forget.  I am not listening to a constant loop of my own voice saying – next year will be better – next year will be better – god please let next year be better.  Yes, for the first time in a very long time I can honestly say – it’s been a good year. No, it’s been a great year.  In fact, as far as years go, 2012 was the fucking shit.  As the New Year approaches I look back in happiness and look forward with anticipation because now I know – everything doesn’t have to totally suck.  However, being that I am who I am 2012 isn’t going to get off that easy. There are still a few people, places, and things that need to go SUCK IT.

1. The bra lady who told me I was a 30G can suck my left one.

2. The muffin top that I can no longer suck in can suck it.

3. Girls who don’t like other girls can fuck off and suck it. In fact – if that show Girls doesn’t watch itself – it’s gonna suck it hard next year.

4. All of the agents in all of the land who don’t think I’m good enough to represent can watch the show I work on that was number 1 this summer – then shut it and suck it.

5. The pinkie toe I broke that can no longer be shoved into dozens of pairs of expensive shoes can suck it for showing me what an idiot I am for having the shoes in the first place.

6. If you’re only as old as you feel than all of my years over 32 can back off for a fucking second and then suck it.

7. Cancer – you’re gonna suck it forever.

8. People who hurt dogs or abandon them – you are all going to the capital of Suck It one day also known as Hell.

9. Guns – if you own one – suck on it.

10. People who bought their kids toy guns for Christmas – well I’d tell you to suck it but you are obviously too retarded to understand the words.

See! Short list. Quite frankly, I’m just too happy to concentrate on putting more items on the list.  As I exit the year however there was a moment last night that reminded me how far we’ve all fallen and how high we need to climb back up to get back to being the kinds of people I know we are.  Last night while eating chinese food after watching a movie – it was Christmas, that’s what Jews do – a homeless man started harassing people outside the restaurant. He was basically dancing around and shouting – but it’s Silver Lake so it sometimes this is considered street entertainment.  He was the most fashionable looking homeless man I’d ever seen.  He had long grey pigtails, a Christmas sweater and a skirt. In my neighborhood this is a fashionista not a person who sleeps in a garbage heap.  At some point I guess he became too scary and one of the patrons took him down to the ground and sat on him until the police came.  It was a very long time. Everyone in the restaurant got up to look – one person even videotaped it.  At the height of the melee I turned to my friend Vic, a little concerned for the man on the ground, and asked if she saw what the homeless person did to get put on the ground – and the waiter at my table answered for her – “More diet coke?”  It was the most perfectly timed lack of caring for another human being I’d ever seen. It was comical. I’m not saying anyone was right or wrong in the situation I’m just saying sometimes everyone needs to remember – YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE.

Secrets Out Bitches

Published December 11, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

 

I was lying in bed last night watching Real Housewives Of  Beverly Hills and eating a Greek Yogurt thinking two things – #1) I am totally going to follow this yogurt up with a loaf of cheese and some chocolate and #2) If Taylor says “I gained so much weight” one more time – I’m going to put tape on my t.v. over where her mouth is – so basically – over my entire screen.  During the RHOBH a commercial for the new Victoria’s Secret underwear line came on.  It was some Christmas line featuring tinsel and gold colored items and a whole lotta boob and ass.  Quite frankly, I’ve seen less racy videos on You Porn. I am constantly confused by these commercials and their placement in television shows that are predominately watched by women and gay men.  Who exactly are they selling too? Are they hoping to snag the one man that is watching or do they think women like watching women they will never look like prance around in their underwear giving their husbands erections they will probably never be able to give them?  If they’re trying to get a gay man to buy something for his bestie – they need to shove something down the front of those undies.  Back when I worked at an entertainment show we would always do segments on the Victoria’s Secret fashion shows and go behind the scenes and I never understood why.  First of all – the underwear is made like crap. If it lasts long enough to make it through an entire spin cycle – congratulations – you got the one pair.  It also doesn’t fit very well and it certainly doesn’t come in sizes for girls like me who have 30G boobs and yes I’m using the term girls loosely so get the fuck over it.  If a guy ever bought me something from that line I’d put him back in line at the correct store – Cosa Bella or La Perla. Maybe there’s some theory that women buy this stuff because they want to look like the women in the ads and I guess there is some truth to that somewhere but I’d like to remind those women that the women in those ads aren’t real women. They are dumb fembots. (That’s what I’m going with please don’t burst my bubble) I’m sure Victoria’s Secret sales are through the roof but if they’d like to sell more products to women like me they should do the one thing I’ve been begging for in their commercials.  Turn those bitches around and show me their cellulite and jiggly asses.  I know they haven’t worked out a day in their lives and if I see some bumpy flesh that looks like mine I will sign up in solidarity and buy the shit out of those thongs.  Let the secret out Victoria.  It’s time.

 

Party On People – Without Me Please

Published December 9, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

When a party invitation arrives in the mail or your mailbox is your first reaction – “Oh my goodness I am overjoyed with the idea of a party and cannot wait to mix and mingle with people I both know and don’t?” Well then, you my friend, are a big fat fucking liar.  Or, maybe it’s just me. Maybe the second I get invited to a party I’m the only one thinking, fuck, do I have to go?   Who will I talk to? Who can I get to go with me? And of course the most hideous thoughts of all – what am I going to wear and why am I so fat.  The holiday season is upon us and so are those damn party invitations.  Don’t get me wrong – I love a party that constitutes a room full of people I know – it’s the other sixteen gabillion I hate.   I’d like to chalk this up to an old curmudgeon type thing but quite frankly I’m pretty sure I came out of the womb this way.  My first words were probably – “uch, do I have to go?” However, it has most definitely gotten worse over the years.  There are many reasons behind my hatred of parties… I don’t drink, I actually feel shy around people I don’t know, I’m fat, I hate everyone, I do not like small talk, and I feel superior to almost everyone I meet.  Last night I went to a party for my dear friend Victoria. She was having a birthday and she beat the shit out of cancer. Two very good reasons to celebrate.   It was a great party and I met a ton of really nice people but the second I have to start talking to strangers my brain is so full of thoughts about what I’m saying and what they’re saying to me that I can’t focus and I feel dizzy. Maybe it’s the writer in me but if I could script this shit out before I go I’d feel so much better.  That lull in a conversation you could drive a truck through is so painful to me I can actually hear the air die.  Shit, did they notice I just killed a conversation? To be honest, I’m not all that good at big parties filled with a lot of people I know either.  I am constantly at war with myself – should I be the talker or the talkee?  Should I be entertaining or sit back and eat? Am I being looked at as a source of entertainment?  Do you think I’m funny? When you say I look great do I really or did I look really bad the last time you saw me? Oh my god my head is filled with nonsense at all times it’s amazing I can breathe.  And brrrrreeeeaaattthhheeee.  Throw drunk people on top of this and it’s a wonder I don’t take my own life at other people’s parties.  Why is talking to strangers such a hideous thought to me? Why am I so easily annoyed? Maybe I should start smoking pot or taking valium before I hit the party circuit or remove my inner judgy button because it is working overtime in these situations.  Why can’t I just learn how to have fun?  Maybe if I lay it all out on the table when I walk in – I can leave my issues at the welcome mat.  So, here is my party mantra for the upcoming months.  “Hi I’m Heidi. I’m old, single, and almost always ten to twelve pounds overweight. I’m a pretty funny writer though please don’t take that to mean that I’m going to crack jokes all night because the pressure is too much. I write a blog and if you read it I’m sorry I write so much about my vagina. If I find you boring I am going to make an excuse to use the bathroom or get something to eat. I am judging almost everything you say to me. I will talk about you later. I’m sorry.”

What do you think? Sound like a good ice breaker?

I Am So Totes Not Cool

Published December 4, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

When did everyone stop using full words?  I don’t know what anyone’s saying. I feel old and we all sound like idiots. “That’s totally amaze!” “She’s so emo.” “I am totes happy for you.” “That is def not happening.” “Well isn’t that obvi?” “OMG “WTF” Blah Blah what did you just say? Texting has crept over into speaking and apparently we no longer have time to use all the letters in the English language to have a conversation.  It feels like every word in the dictionary has been cut short and regurgitated in some new form of a word and I’m having a hard time keeping up.  It’s not enough that there’s an entire urban dictionary of words that mean new things like bodybooking, hornymoon and garbivore.  Look them up, they’re there.  Now we have to talk like we text.  Can’t we just text like tards and then talk normal later?  When people watch video of us thousands of years from now will they think we were speaking some foreign language? Cause we are. Will the reverse be happening by then and everyone will sound like a scene from Downton Abbey? We can’t possibly be so busy that we’re incapable of slowing down long enough to buy a vowel and a consonant. They’re not that expensive and I’ve seen what you’re up to – you can spare five minutes.  I feel sorry for people who have kids. They must be just exasperated at the end of a conversation – and utterly confused.  I’ve had more fulfilling chats with my homeless friend John and he only has two teeth in his head. He also noticed I bought a new car and changed my work hours so he’s kind of more attentive than most of the people in my life are anyway.

Have you ever noticed that homeless people are complete loners? They never travel in packs. They don’t hang out together – at all. I get why you’d be alone with your sign on a corner during the day – you don’t want any cash competition – but what about later – at night – when things slow down?  Wouldn’t this be a fine opportunity to make other homeless friends?  I can’t imagine how awful it must be to live on the street – especially if you have your wits about you and have just run into hard times – but facing this alone seems to suck even harder. I love people who say they don’t give homeless people money because they’ll use it to buy drugs or liquor. If anyone deserves to be out of their fucking minds high as a kite – it’s someone eating out of garbage cans and sleeping on cement – give them a fucking dollar.  Maybe they should form some kind of gang. They must have a lot to talk about.  I know John does.  And he uses all of his words.