I may be stating the obvious here but it has just become crystal clear to me that the only group of people who love Halloween more than children – are gay men. After 364 days of keeping it all together and hidden from the world – Halloween is the one day they can bust it out and show everyone who they really are – men who can’t wait to strip down in the streets and reveal what they’ve been doing at the gym. Halloween is the day we really get to see who are favorite gays are deep down inside – nudists. This is why straight men are annoyed with you. They will never look as good as you. They don’t have the dedication it takes and women don’t care how skinny your body is when you have a big fat wallet. Not one gay man in Hollywood had a top on. My Facebook page is filled with so much flesh it needs an NC17 rating. I had no idea how many ways there were to dress up from the waist down only. I suppose if I spent as much time at the gym as the gay men I know do – I’d be naked right now – and saying this into my live web feed – while eating ice cream. The naked gay man is now outdoing the old woman as naughty nurse or dirty cheerleader. That’s a costume no one needs to see. Ever notice that the craziest old lady in your office is always the one who wears the least amount of clothing every Halloween and is using her “own” handcuffs and whip in her costume?
I actually forgot it was Halloween weekend. I didn’t see any kids trick or treating through my shut blinds, turned off lights and locked doors. I left the house early enough to miss anyone coming to my house and I didn’t have any candy anyway. Halloween is the diet buster that keeps giving long after the kids are gone and you have snack size everything taunting you from a cupboard for months to come. Halloween candy is the ultimate “I’ll just have one” lie. I did go to a sort of dress up event in the afternoon. My friend Brian dressed up as a celebrity – I mean cowboy – and rode in a horse show in Burbank with other stars – William Shatner, Lyle Lovett and Bijou Phillips. Brian wore a checked shirt and a cowboy hat that I’m not quite sure he realizes he actually wore in public. (He looked darn cute) The competition was called “reigning” I believe and Brian had had some extensive training for this event – 3 whole days. What kind of a lunatic climbs on top of a giant horse and attempts to perform tricks in front of people after just three days of training? This lunatic.
Yes, after three whole days of training – Brian slapped on some chaps and hit the dirt running. We sat in the audience watching him make his way around the ring and suddenly we believed in miracles! People jumped to their feet screaming for Brian! They were mostly horse trainers screaming instructions – but still – they were screaming – and cheering – and at the end of the competition they announced the audience winner – Brian! He beat out 82 year old William Shatner – who I was convinced would show me just how close he is to that last name. I stayed to watch his performance because I thought for sure they’d be dragging his ass out by ambulance and I wanted to be there for the history making wheel off of Captain James T. Kirk. Lyle Lovett looked good out there but when it came to pomp, circumstance, and all around self mockery – it was Brian who won the coveted belt buckle that will arrive by mail in the near future. I am praying it says Reigning Champion – cause ya know – that’s irony. They called his win a Cinderella story and for the night he was indeed Prince Charming. He galloped off into the sunset and I thought – god I hope I never see that shirt again.