All posts for the month October, 2012

Show Me Your Halloweenie

Published October 28, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I may be stating the obvious here but it has just become crystal clear to me that the only group of people who love Halloween more than children – are gay men.  After 364 days of keeping it all together and hidden from the world – Halloween is the one day they can bust it out and show everyone who they really are – men who can’t wait to strip down in the streets and reveal  what they’ve been doing at the gym. Halloween is the day we really get to see who are favorite gays are deep down inside – nudists.  This is why straight men are annoyed with you.  They will never look as good as you.  They don’t have the dedication it takes and women don’t care how skinny your body is when you have a big fat wallet. Not one gay man in Hollywood had a top on.   My Facebook page is filled with so much flesh it needs an NC17 rating.    I had no idea how many ways there were to dress up from the waist down only. I suppose if I spent as much time at the gym as the gay men I know do – I’d be naked right now – and saying this into my live web feed – while eating ice cream.  The naked gay man is now outdoing the old woman as naughty nurse or dirty cheerleader. That’s a costume no one needs to see.  Ever notice that the craziest old lady in your office is always the one who wears  the least amount of clothing every Halloween and is using her “own” handcuffs and whip in her costume?

I actually forgot it was Halloween weekend.  I didn’t see any kids trick or treating through my shut blinds, turned off lights and locked doors.  I left the house early enough to miss anyone coming to my house and I didn’t have any candy anyway. Halloween is the diet buster that keeps giving long after the kids are gone and you have snack size everything taunting you from a cupboard for months to come.  Halloween candy is the ultimate “I’ll just have one” lie.  I did go to a sort of dress up event in the afternoon.  My friend Brian dressed up as a celebrity – I mean cowboy – and rode in a horse show in Burbank with other stars – William Shatner, Lyle Lovett and Bijou Phillips.  Brian wore a checked shirt and a cowboy hat that I’m not quite sure he realizes he actually wore in public.  (He looked darn cute)  The competition was called “reigning” I believe and Brian had had some extensive training for this event – 3 whole days.  What kind of a lunatic climbs on top of a giant horse and attempts to perform tricks in front of people after just three days of training?  This lunatic.


Yes, after three whole days of training – Brian slapped on some chaps and hit the dirt running.  We sat in the audience watching him make his way around the ring and suddenly we believed in miracles!  People jumped to their feet screaming for Brian!  They were mostly horse trainers screaming instructions – but still – they were screaming – and cheering – and at the end of the competition they announced the audience winner – Brian!  He beat out 82 year old William Shatner – who I was convinced would show me just how close he is to that last name. I stayed to watch his performance because I thought for sure they’d be dragging his ass out by ambulance and I wanted to be there for the history making wheel off of Captain James T. Kirk.  Lyle Lovett looked good out there but when it came to pomp, circumstance, and all around self mockery – it was Brian who won the coveted belt buckle that will arrive by mail in the near future.  I am praying it says Reigning Champion – cause ya know – that’s irony.   They called his win a Cinderella story and for the night he was indeed Prince Charming.  He galloped off into the sunset and I thought – god I hope I never see that shirt again.

Chair Today, Dead Tomorrow

Published October 26, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Have you ever noticed that when you see a person on a jazzy (scooter) they are usually morbidly obese?  I’m quite certain these marvels of modern technology were invented for people with real mobility issues – not for people who needed to wheel up more quickly to the steam tables at Hometown Buffet and roll away with a laden down tray without missing a beat.  It seems that everything created for people with real problems are being used by people with “no” problems as in “no thanks, I’ve eaten enough.”    I don’t have anything against morbidly obese people except the fact that they’re fat. Last night during yet another lovely bout with insomnia I caught a new commercial for a new rolling chair from The Scooter Store.  The Scooter Store by the way is in New Braunfels Texas which is a portion of texas founded by german people – so now there are two things wrong with that particular city – nazi cowboys.  The commercial for the new wheely chair asked some very important questions that even in my haze seemed to have one answer.

Do health issues limit your mobility: yes because I’m fat.

Is it difficult to get to the bathroom on your own: yes because I’m fat.

Do you feel like a bother to others due to your lack of mobility: yes because I’m fat.

Have you fallen in the past twelve months: yes because I’m fat. 

If there’s a way to capitalize on people’s laziness, America will figure out how to do that.  We excel in creating ways to make the simplest of tasks simpler.  “Don’t go to the gym, strap on this belt that works out your abs while you eat.”  Don’t get me wrong – I love eating and I hate working out but I also love being able to get myself from my television set to my bathroom without an assistant – though if I could find a hot male nurse to come over and walk me to the ladies room every now and then it wouldn’t be such a bad idea.   Why isn’t someone spending more time creating delicious foods that don’t make us fat.  I think Burger King, McDonalds and Taco Bel were created by Nazi’s as well. They probably live in New Braunfels Texas too.  Perhaps we should launch an investigation into this town.  It seems shady to me.  Maybe area 51 is really zip code 78130.  Just something to think about people.

What A Vick-head

Published October 16, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I wish that I could say I’ve been far too busy writing the great American novel or screenplay to keep up with my mundane thoughts and retarded perusals.  I wish that taking time off from chatting about my vagina meant I’d been doing something constructive like learning to tat lace or drive a tractor but the truth of the matter is – I just didn’t have anything to say – until now.  Who gave Michael Vick a dog?  Can someone please explain to me how a man who served time in a federal prison for running a brutal dog fighting ring where innocent animals were maimed, drowned if they didn’t perform or killed deserves to be the owner of a dog?   Clearly as a society, we’ve gone mad.  Some douchebag idiot wrote an editorial for The Los Angeles Times saying they think it’s perfectly okay to let this animal have a pet.  They say “Vick has served his time and should be allowed to re-integrate into society.”  I’m sorry – I didn’t know owning a dog was a part of societal reintegration?  I thought – getting to live in your house and not being ass fucked in prison was.  They also wrote that they think we should “give him a chance to prove himself” and that  “surely his neighbors will be watching.”    Really?  Is this how we handle child molesters and abusers?  Let’s give them a kid and see how it goes because surely their neighbors will be watching.  I guess it’s okay to go with this see how it goes theory because after all it’s only a dog.  What’s the worst that could happen?  Another dog gets killed?  We already kill millions a year.  Maybe this is a theory we should test in other areas?  Let’s allow Casey Anthony to adopt.  Maybe we should have let Jeffrey Dahmer have a boyfriend in prison.  Perhaps Westley Allen Dodd  just needed a few more kids to prove he wasn’t evil.  Nothing funny here folks.  Just idiocy.