My “To Don’t” List

Published September 21, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

It’s getting to be that time of year that makes me so giddy I can barely stand it.  Coat time.  I have 73 at last count.  I like a nice fall day even if in California that fall day means we drop to a brisk 70.  I can strap a faux fur on in that kind of frigid like you read about.  When the thermometer drops below 80 – its fall bitches – and I’ll be wearing a leopard print overcoat and boots.  Everyone who’s anyone is blasting their fall blogs hoping to get you ready for the onslaught of something that supposedly means something but to me fall just means winter and winter means January and January means I get a refund from the tax man that lets me buy one more coat to wear before it’s hot as Hades again.  My favorite – and by favorite I mean most annoying – blogger has posted her Fall To Do list so I thought maybe I’d just see if I can do what’s on her list since making one of my own would consist of – “buy more shit you don’t need.”  Here we go.

1. Host a pumpkin carving party.

Uhm, why?

2. Go to a football game (mainly for the stadium food, since I’m not exactly a fan of the sport).

Well first of all we don’t have a team here so I’m not sure what game she’s going to.  Second of all – it’s pretty obvious she eats stadium food – if you know what I mean.   I don’t think a football game is a must do on my list unless it involves free passes to the locker room and an invite to be someone’s shower buddy for the day.  Sitting in the stands with a bunch of drunk white people is not exactly on my bucket list.

3. Visit a lighthouse – with a picnic in tow.  It’s something I’ve never done and sounds fun and romantic.

What’s fun about a lighthouse?  Stairs?  We have those at the gym.  Bring a picnic to your stairmaster crazy lady.

4.  Spend a day in my college town – it’s so charming in the fall.

Ha!!!!  College – Charming?  Those two words don’t go together unless the smell of DNA and vomit is charming.

5. Visit and apple orchard.

Uhm, why?

7. Have an early Thanksgiving celebration with friends. Once a year isn’t enough.

That’s retarded.

8. Start a movie club

How does that work?  You and your friends go to the movies together?  I think that’s called – going to a movie.

9. Check out open houses.

No thanks.  I have one.

10.  Can some of last summer’s produce and make jam and sauce.

Fuck you, you fucking liar.

I guess I need my own fall to do list after all.

#1 – Stop reading the blog that’s driving me insane.

#2 – Get more people to like my FACEBOOK page

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Book-of-Moron/255483371140447?sk=wall&filter=1

https://welcometoheidi.wordpress.com   and

http://dingdongsandpolyester.wordpress.com

3 comments on “My “To Don’t” List

  • YES!!!! LMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAO. (I know exactly which entry that’s from too- and honestly… I was thinking…WTF? Two or more Thanksgiving dinners? redesign your website? again? ghee…. get a real f’ing JOB. …..) I’m seriously loosing it over here in hysterical laughter. You simply ROCK.

  • Wait, I guess she did get a real job….kind-of. Her book is selling…and I can’t figure out why a re-gurg-i-tation, of Martha Stewart, Dear Abby with a touch of dress like this, and oh how to organize you closet/bathroom/tampon holder….is selling so well. I guess I’m missing the infatuation… I saw her on Good Morning America talking about cake pop’s- and the host steam rolled right over her. Making her segment not even audible for directions on her presentation. Now, you girl…are FUNNY. You need your own book. seriously.

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