Archives

All posts for the month September, 2012

My “To Don’t” List

Published September 21, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

It’s getting to be that time of year that makes me so giddy I can barely stand it.  Coat time.  I have 73 at last count.  I like a nice fall day even if in California that fall day means we drop to a brisk 70.  I can strap a faux fur on in that kind of frigid like you read about.  When the thermometer drops below 80 – its fall bitches – and I’ll be wearing a leopard print overcoat and boots.  Everyone who’s anyone is blasting their fall blogs hoping to get you ready for the onslaught of something that supposedly means something but to me fall just means winter and winter means January and January means I get a refund from the tax man that lets me buy one more coat to wear before it’s hot as Hades again.  My favorite – and by favorite I mean most annoying – blogger has posted her Fall To Do list so I thought maybe I’d just see if I can do what’s on her list since making one of my own would consist of – “buy more shit you don’t need.”  Here we go.

1. Host a pumpkin carving party.

Uhm, why?

2. Go to a football game (mainly for the stadium food, since I’m not exactly a fan of the sport).

Well first of all we don’t have a team here so I’m not sure what game she’s going to.  Second of all – it’s pretty obvious she eats stadium food – if you know what I mean.   I don’t think a football game is a must do on my list unless it involves free passes to the locker room and an invite to be someone’s shower buddy for the day.  Sitting in the stands with a bunch of drunk white people is not exactly on my bucket list.

3. Visit a lighthouse – with a picnic in tow.  It’s something I’ve never done and sounds fun and romantic.

What’s fun about a lighthouse?  Stairs?  We have those at the gym.  Bring a picnic to your stairmaster crazy lady.

4.  Spend a day in my college town – it’s so charming in the fall.

Ha!!!!  College – Charming?  Those two words don’t go together unless the smell of DNA and vomit is charming.

5. Visit and apple orchard.

Uhm, why?

7. Have an early Thanksgiving celebration with friends. Once a year isn’t enough.

That’s retarded.

8. Start a movie club

How does that work?  You and your friends go to the movies together?  I think that’s called – going to a movie.

9. Check out open houses.

No thanks.  I have one.

10.  Can some of last summer’s produce and make jam and sauce.

Fuck you, you fucking liar.

I guess I need my own fall to do list after all.

#1 – Stop reading the blog that’s driving me insane.

#2 – Get more people to like my FACEBOOK page

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Book-of-Moron/255483371140447?sk=wall&filter=1

https://welcometoheidi.wordpress.com   and

http://dingdongsandpolyester.wordpress.com

Purses For The Poor

Published September 2, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

I wonder if poor children in third world countries wearing Toms shoes make fun of poor children in other third world countries wearing Bobs shoes.  I saw Brooke Burke from Dancing with The Stars on t.v. selling Bobs from Sketcher’s which look remarkably like Tom’s shoes created by Amazing Race contestant Blake Mycoskie.  The concept behind both of the companies is that they provide a pair of shoes to a person in need for every pair of shoes we buy.  Hmmmm maybe it’s a secret new reality show no one knows about?  I think it’s kind of rude of Sketchers to take business away from a company that’s already done such amazing work supplying needy people with shoes.  i feel bad for the kids who get the knockoff Bobs.   I have a firm belief that nobody wants a knockoff.  Even a poor person with no shoes.  Isn’t there another area for Sketchers to conquer with their shitty footwear?   How about they send all of their Shape Ups to third world countries?  I can’t stand seeing people wabbling around on those “aren’t going to change one single thing about your butt” things.  If you tell me you have Shape Ups and they have completely changed the shape of your ass I will tell you that your ass has moved up simply to distance itself away from those hideous shoes.  I guess they don’t need ass reshaping shoes in Bangladesh.  That’s something the people there probably don’t get involved in.  I bet you don’t care how high your ass is when you haven’t eaten in a week.  I would like someone to start a handbag situation like this in Beverly Hills.  Right now I’m interested in a grey Celine Mini Luggage piece that cost 3200 dollars.  I don’t see why Neiman Marcus can’t start a Tom like program so that the next time a rich person buys a Celine handbag – they give one out for free to someone less fortunate – like me.  I’ve been eyeing this handbag and while I know it’s a disgusting amount of money I feel like I may stop breathing if I don’t have it.  I know there are knockoffs available but they always arrive from somewhere Asian smelling like cancer and while some people may not know I’m carrying a knockoff – I’ll know.  Nobody wants a bag by Bob.