I need a new bladder. Mine is broken. It’s on some kind of high pee alert and I’m getting up three times a night to empty the contents of an organ I have put nothing in to. It’s very generous of my bladder to give so much to someone who’s given it so little but I’m ready to be cut off. I’m a camel. I don’t drink liquids. If I added up all the things that I drink during the day and before I go to bed it could possibly fill one 8oz glass of water – possibly. I’m just not a thirsty person. I think when I gave up drinking I gave up all drinking. I mean – what’s the point of a liquid if it doesn’t get you high or relaxed? I quench my thirst with shoes preferably Chanel, Louboutin, Miu Miu or Yves Saint Laurent. They are very quenching. I always thought men were the ones that had the elderly pee problem thanks to that prostate. It made me happy knowing that those fuckers had at least one thing happen to them as they got older even if that one thing was nothing compared to the ten million things we get as we get older – like shunned and ignored. Now it turns out its not just men and it’s not a nothing problem. It’s ruining my eight hours of solid sleep that I thought I would finally be getting now that I’m older and have nothing to do and go to bed so early it’s still light out. Awesome!! No. I’m peeing – a lot. So I did what any normal woman with a medical problem does – I googled it. The first results of my medical exploration were that I have a bladder infection, diabetes, or uterine fibroid tumors. Terrific. Then it was Incontinence. Listen, I don’t tinkle in my pants and I don’t smell like pee – yet. One website suggested that I stay on the toilet longer because even when I think I’m done peeing I have more pee and that I’d be “amazed at how much urine I have left in my system.” Yeah, that kind of shit doesn’t amaze me at all. A 75 percent off sale on Louis Vuitton and still finding my size after the sale is on amazes me. It said – don’t be in a hurry to get up because it will come trickling out. Great. I have things to do – like sleep. I never did get a real answer for the pee problem – only more things to terrify me about what’s to come and how I need to do exercises to strengthen my pelvic muscles. I don’t have time. I’m busy. Having a fucking life. I’ve decided to invent the bladder cork. It will be a pretty little item I shove in my private area at night that keeps the pee in place. I will remove it in the morning and unleash the tinkles of hell. Other than that I’m just getting some rubber sheets because I’m exhausted getting up all night long and every time I move the dogs think it’s time for them to go out and pee and quite frankly that isn’t happening. If they can hold it so can I. Or I’ll go on the rug too.