Cracking The Code

Published August 4, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

Last night while enjoying a phenomenal meal with friends I realized that the older we get the more our conversations start with “remember when blah blah blah?”  Things like the joy of getting called in for dinner from your outside play and when you were truly truly lucky that dinner being a tv dinner that you got to eat in front of your favorite show while the corn area seeped into the hot chocolate pudding area and the tater tot section.  Oh it was so simple then.  Well didn’t our parents used to say the same thing?  I remember when we had to walk to school?  I remember when my allowance was 13 cents and you could buy an entire meal?  I remember when children didn’t speak at the dinner table.  I remember when my father beat the shit out of us with a belt.  You know, simple things.  So that means, our children, forty years from now will also say the same sort of thing.  Well not mine because I forgot to have any children but your children will.  And what will they say based on the fact that they have everything and have learned how to do nothing except push buttons on things that do things for them?  I remember when I texted my mom she had to actually text back and not just appear through hologram?  I remember when we had cars and not jet packs.  I remember when you ate a meal not popped a pill?  It’s possible I guess.  One thing I do know that perturbs all people my age – passwords.  I have at least 1700 and thanks to the various companies I have them with – they are all different.  Sometimes it all letters, sometimes numbers and letters, sometimes it’s upper case only, then lower case with just one upper case, then one number and one letter and one exclamation point and if you could use that Spanish squiggly thing that works too and oh my god I can’t remember and of these codes.  My passwords are all some sort of variation of a place I’ve never been to but it’s fairly easy to remember and then I do have some written down on my computer but there are scads I have no clue about.  I love when you think you are logging in somewhere for the first time and you go to register and it tells you “that email address already exists in our system” and I think – fuck – I must be up at night logging in and buying things because I sure don’t remember joining the Barbecue Sauce of The Month Club before.  That’s when I use my “other” email address.  The one that’s registered to my dead dog – you know – just in case.  But it’s those passwords that get me every time and not remembering them. That’s when you get to play the quiz with these companies.  That’s the question you chose to answer when you first registered that they hit you with when you get into a really difficult password situation.  It’s like fucking Jeopardy at my house everyday.  What was your first dogs name?  Uhm, shit, did I say my first dog as a child or my first dog as an adult.  Zoe. Or was it Zoey.  Or was it Chips.  Did I live on Friendship Lane or did they not accept the Lane part and I had to say just Friendship.  Fuck I just want to buy some discreet pee panty liners why are you making me take a test!!  My friend Dan said getting back in to his Consumer Reports Magazine was harder than breaking in to the Pentagon.  I didn’t know he broke into the Pentagon so that was impressive but he really just wants to read his magazine on line.  All I know is this – if you steal my identity – good luck – every card is maxed out – and quite frankly if you can figure out my codes – I’ll be glad to buy you a nice jar of Barbecue Sauce.

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