I knew it would be a total shit show no matter who was directing it. I was right. The opening of the 2012 Summer Olympics was Les Miserable meets Mr. Bean meets Dullfest meets embarrassing meets Oh Shit I Fell Asleep. Here are my actual thoughts as they happened or at least until my television peeled itself off of my wall and left my house out of boredom and disgust.
Okay this cliff song is weird. We’re British and we’re awesome. Look how awesome we are. London is awesome. We have the Olympic games because we are better than you. Nanny Nanny Bo Bo. I’ve never seen arrogance so beautifully shot. Do they think none of us have ever seen an Olympic event? They know other people have done this before right? Did they just say Shakespearean sweep? They do know that other countries compete right? Oh look Michael Phelps snuck in. I could get to London quicker than this opening ceremony. Oh hi Mrs. Costas, where’s Bob? What has Bob done to his face. Tom Brokaw looks like he’s afraid of Bob’s face. Oh shit Tom Brokaw just busted out props like a kindergarten project. Meredith Viera looks good. Matt looks like he’s silently signaling Anne Curry saying – fuck you this is how it’s supposed to get done dummy. Wish you weren’t here. Did Matt really just say Telly? Are we three years old now. What year do they think it is? We’re not retarded you know. Uhm I don’t care – stop talking. I never knew it was so – hey wait what’s Ryan Seacrest doing there? When did that happen? Was I having a Coke? Wow our gymnasts are ugly. This footage is actually unbelievable. Is that a pony? Who’s Bradly Wiggins? Isn’t that the name of a childrens t.v. show? OMG wtf is happening – are the making milk? The potato famine is happening. Now the castrato are here. Oh wait, maybe it’s a hobbit film. Danny Boyle is not going to be happy with the amount of shit Meredith is taking through his shit. Why is that horse out there? Oh look , one black kid. Guess they don’t have those in London. Sherlock Holmes in the house. I don’t understand the random soccer footage… or is it rugby? I think Danny Boyle is high as fuck. They should have just put David Beckham in his underwear out there. Why is Kenneth Branagh dressed like Abe Lincoln? What does the tree mean? Is this Dickens? I feel awkward. Wow that blew. Was that a sonnet? Oh there’s the Scottish Sheila E. Dawn of the dead and zombies are coming out of the grass. God I wish I was high right now. Two black people. Is that the group Stomp? Shut up Matt. You have no idea what these volunteers are thinking. Are they resodding London now? Do they want us to know England has good sod? Now Kenneth is playing “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.” Is that a SlumDog set? What does this have to do with the Olympics? Okay that is pretty. Danny Boyle is dead to me. Oh wait that fire thing is cool. Kenneth Branagh is so proud. Why is he so proud? He must be drunk too. Okay we’re fast forwarding again. Quick somebody get me a random shot of that fat chick. Okay the rings are cool. They should have started with that shit. Those floating fireworks rings are awesome. Wow, Kenneth Branagh is so proud. OMG I love Daniel Craig. Cute corgis. Is that the fucking Queen holy shit. What is happening. Did he use a corgi cam? I don’t think I’m supposed to be laughing. I feel awkward again. This is weird. Daniel Craig hates everyone why is he doing this? Isn’t this chopper scenario exactly how Jeff Probst comes in for the final tribal council on Survivor? Is he really going to parachute? This is way better than that other stuff. Why is Matt pretending the Queen really just jumped out of a fucking plane. God that outfit is hideous. I think she borrowed that dress from Honey Boo Boo child. Why are we speaking french. Ohhhhh shit there’s fucking Camila. And now some kids in pajamas. Why are they in pajamas? The Queen looks pissed – really pissed – oh wait I think she may have smiled. Maybe she was dreaming about banana pudding. The future of Health Care. Yippee we have National Health you dumb fucks. We save lives and we don’t let children die. Gosh!!! We’re amazing. I want what Danny Boyle is smoking. JK Rowling is bloody rich. What does this have to do with anything? Oh btw we wrote everything too – we’re awesome. All the worlds best people are British. We’re better than everyone . But we won’t be winning any medals so we’ll take credit for everything else now. Mary Poppins is awesome. Is this the opening for the Special Olympics? Did the Black Adder just wipe snot on something and fart?
After one hour and twenty three minutes we turned it off. Can’t wait for The Emmys.