I See Dumb People

Published July 26, 2012 by WELCOME TO HEIDI

When half of the room raised their hands to say that English was NOT their first language – I knew I was in trouble. What started as me searching for hot guys while performing my civic duty, has become one very tough lesson in keeping my big mouth shut.  I am swimming in a sea or morons and drowning in the jury cess pool.  If I ever have to stand trial – I will just say guilty and try to bargain down some lesser time because there is no way any of the people being picked to serve on the jury I’m being paneled for could make a rational decision.  I’m shocked they can even get their pants on in the morning.  One man is so clearly retarded – and I mean that in the traditional sense – he should be in some sort of supervised situation.  He has difficulty grasping the conversation at hand – any hand – and the lawyers talk to him like a child while questioning him.  Yesterday the question – “How many children do you have and what do they do?” started with the answer “Wow this is going to take a while” and ended with me making a noose out of my purse straps and hanging myself.  Well I would have if I thought it would make it stop.  Every single person is trying to get out for some reason or another because like me – they all think they’re better than this.  The case involves someone being accused of a DUI.  They wouldn’t take the breathalyzer on the scene.  I say GUILTY.  I don’t need to hear one piece of evidence.  I am the evidence.  In my world if you have a sip of alcohol then get behind the wheel of a car you are guilty.  Sorry but that’s what twelve years of sobriety will get you.  I don’t judge you for drinking – I judge you for driving and drinking.  Everyone does it.  Doesn’t make it right.   So, once I make this grand speech I assume I will be thrown right out of this DNA gone wrong research room.  It’s taken three days so far to pick a jury for this bullshit case mostly because they have us in the actual courtroom for about two hours total.   I thought writers were lazy fucks but these people make us look like massive over achievers.  “Well we’ve been working now for fifteen minutes.  What do you say we take our afternoon break?”  What?  Afternoon break?  We just got back from an hour and a half lunch which by the way is way too long because who needs that much time to eat at McDonalds the only restaurant in this hell pocket of  Los Angeles?  That’s enough time to eat and then get a cancer screening for the food I just consumed.  Can’t we just get in get out and get this over with?  I’m going back for day 3 today.  I am already holding my tongue.  I’m going to try not to yell at the lawyer and tell the judge to fucking keep it moving.  I’m going to stop myself from slapping all of the other jury panelists for the way they conduct themselves and quite frankly the way they dress.  Have some fucking respect and take off your fucking flip flops.  And most of all I’m going to restrain myself from yelling – hey you fucking douche bag who didn’t take the breathalyzer test – pay the fine take the class and stop clogging our mother fucking judicial system.  My friend Eric had the most brilliant idea – let’s take all of the people collecting unemployment and have them serve as jurors.  We know they don’t have that much to do except find another job.  This could be good networking for them – if they wanted to work for a fucking moron.  I myself have lost a week of pay and my head hurts.  Thank you California.

7 comments on “I See Dumb People

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