The other morning while shopping at “Bed, Bath and Beyond The Realm of Things I Really Need” I was followed by one of those annoying store clerks – you know the kind that may be borderline or full mental patient? This one was definitely out on a day pass from somewhere. First he came to ask me if I needed any help. No, I can read. Then he started discussing the products with me as if I were to believe he had any knowledge other than the knowledge he’d gained standing around reading the boxes like I was. I didn’t suspect that he was in the back boning up on all the catalogues and manuals of all the products while on a break with his foot long subway sandwich. “Oh that’s the Cusineart 4000. Here’s a little secret most people don’t know – the shredder doubles as an ice shaver and a bikini waxer.” Why thank you. Go away. I engaged my nutty little product professor for a few more seconds then rolled my eyes sufficiently enough to send him on to other business – aka – annoying another customer. But moments later he was back. “So, what’s your name?” Heidi, I say. “Heidi Clements?” Wow that’s weird. At first I think – duck and cover!!!!!!! Then I pause for a second and realize what’s really going on here. “Oh, are you a fan of my blog?” I ask sweetly. He looks at me confused and then says – “No, you dropped your coupon back there in bedding. These things are very valuable. We don’t mail them out to everyone. You should hold on to it better.” And there it was – I am the moron.
I have jury duty today which should be about as much fun as a lunch date with that BB&B worker. I’ll spend the day in an uncomfortable chair staring at people and trying to figure out what they do for a living. It’s kind of a fun game but mostly I end up deciding everyone’s an actor or a serial killer. Not much difference. I like serving my city and all but I really don’t want to be put on a case because that would cut into me doing something selfish like working to pay my mortgage or buy a new outfit. The last time I got picked for a case the defendant was Latino so I told the judge I hate anyone who isn’t white and think all ethnicities are criminals. It’s mean but it works. I can’t decide what to wear to court today. It’s a very important decision. Do I dress like someone who can’t think for herself and get immediately thrown out? The video I watched in preparation for my court date said “Don’t wear a shirt that says Guilty” which if I had one I would totally wear. I would also wear one that says Anarchy or Asshole or Shove it Judge or I Hate All Defendants if I could find one of those before my appointed time. Where’s that store? I know that if I were found guilty of some crime like murdering a store clerk I would want smart people on my jury but I don’t think we have any of those here. I guess I’ll just go and sit quietly and pray I’m let go at the end of the day or in time for a nice lunch. Either way – let’s hope no one recognizes me. I’m a famous moron ya know.