The naked guy who was shot after he tried to eat another guys face off was apparently high on bath salts. Oh well then, that explains everything. Except the part about snorting bath salts and the part where he ate someone’s face off and oh yeah the part where he was naked – outside. There is nothing right about this story. Except that he’s dead. He is dead right? We nipped that nutbag in the butt I hope? Who was the first person that found out snorting bath salts gets you high? “I need to take a bath. Or do some lines. Hey, why not combine the two?” This person is not only brave – he (I’m assuming it’s a dude) is a genius. What a cheap, inventive and possibly soothing way to get high. And the flavors of bath salts are endless. A nice cucumber and green tea snort is probably refreshing and relaxing. Is there some kind of euphemism about bath salts now? When you want to get high do you say – gonna go take a bath? God you people are idiots. I’m sure we’ll find out the genius who just shot up a movie theater was high on something. It’s probably written right there on his application for a gun which sailed right through the system. “Likes to snort bath salts and shoot innocent people while trapped in a theater.” What is wrong with everyone except me? Can’t you people do what I do? Shop? Spend money you don’t have and worry about it later? It’s so easy.
I went to a charity event last night and realized two things. 1) I am a selfish fuck. 2) My Gaydar is completely off. These two things don’t necessarily go together but they did last night. The charity is spectacular – they adopt entire classes of inner city kids and give them the tools and the money to get through school and into a college. Their success rate is incredible and the whole idea of it was really uplifting. I didn’t give them a dime. I didn’t even sign up to help. I had one thought – the money I spend on them will be less money to spend on me. Then I thought –fuck – what if they just hand me a kid before I leave? “Here, you’re in charge of this one, good luck.” I ducked out faster than you can say – cheap bitch. I know this will come back to bite me in both my real and karmic asses but – oops. I did meet a really good looking really funny guy and the entire time I was talking to him I was thinking – I wonder how old I look in this light and I wonder if he’s gay. I can no longer tell – about the gay part. Well actually about both parts. Now, straight men get offended if you think they’re gay but I say this is the biggest compliment I can pay you because if I think you’re gay it means you’re way too handsome and way to smart and funny to be straight. Sorry straight guys but you have some fucking work to do. I never did find out. Insert sad face icon here. We need to figure out a system that doesn’t involve pink stars because I hear that one didn’t go over too well. I’m going to take a nice hot bath and think of something to help me figure this one out. I got my pomegranate melon all lined up on the tub edge.